Friday, October 18, 2013
To say what I can't
It's 4:18 a.m. and I cannot sleep. My eyes are swollen. My head just starts screaming on it's own. I want to write this for myself. Writing has always helped me before and I thought if I won't write down something....anything that is going on in my head then I would never be able to move on(?) I don't know. I never thought I would have to use this word. For few seconds I think what am I even bothered about? Million people go through break ups. People hurt, grow out of it and learn from their experience. Hell, this is just a break up. People go through so many severe losses. In my own country people are dying of terrorism, hunger, communal violence, civil wars and what the fucking fuck am I crying about!
But I just can't get myself to dilute my own problem. First of all, I don't blame him. Nor do I blame myself. It's too painful to recount all the amazing moments I had with him throughout my year long relationship, but I do cherish them and will for the rest of my life. I still don' think I am too young and naive to commit. I still don't know what actually went wrong. I still love him. I'll always love him. No matter how many times he would say that love isn't enough, I still believe it's everything for me. I will still put love before my life. Does this make me an utter fool? Why should it? I chose to make my life secondary to love. I don't know what's gonna become of me now. When every cell in my body lived for someone and that someone is gone, I wonder....
I cry. I cry for everytime I try to sleep, I imagine him holding me...in that same position which we both were so comfortable sleeping in, when he said that my back just perfectly fit his cute head while he held me. I cry for everytime he said that he loves me and that I was the best thing that could ever happen to him. I cry for the 3 dogs and 2 cats and 1 hamster which we'll never have. I cry for the little kid I imagined I would be holding with you when we would get older, the kid who had his face, his eyes but my nose, my hair colour but his texture, his eyes but a uni-brow like mine. I cry for the spiritual trip we planned to mountains, I cry for the concert which you promised me you would perform with your band, I cry for the violin which I planned to gift you, I cry for the taste of your mouth, the perfect way you kissed me, how special you made me feel, the way you kissed my forehead everytime after we would kiss, the way my head perfectly fit your arms. I cry for everything that couldn't be and could be. I cry, cry listening to Lazarus, the song we first kissed to, I cry listening to Speechless, the song we both sang to, I cry to Dark Paradise, the song we both thought we would sing for each other, I cry for all the times I screamed at you, blamed you, abused you. I cry for that first time we both said yes to our relationship. I am sorry for making you take this step. Had I not acted like so selfish maybe things would have turned out differently. I always pretended to be brave, someone who has had more experience than you. But the truth is....the truth is that I am nothing in front of you. Everything I wanted to do in my life was to make you happy. I wanted to take a soul-sucking job just so you could happily work for the organization you are so passionate about. I wanted to go to any place you wanted to. I wanted to learn Dutch because you wanted to settle in Denmark. I wanted to enroll into secret Odiya classes and surprise you over the holidays. I wanted to be there for every walk of your life. I wanted to be who you wanted me to be. I wanted you. Just you.
My whole life just fell into place after you. It's funny how this post changed from him to you. Well, what's the point, this is anonymous blog which I haven't shared with him. So I write this for nobody and everybody.
I write this for you in front of whom I can never say these things without losing all these words inside my head. That I will always love you. And no matter what my friends say, how much needy I seem, how much powerless I look, I will always wait for you, I will always compare every guy I meet with you, I will always ask them the questions you asked me to see if they will come remotely close to you or not.
I will miss your dick. The way you trembled whenever I slowly licked it. The way you would breathe heavily when I bit your nipples. The way you put your pain next to my want of fucking you. The way you always asked me how I was doing even before I could tell you.
No, you weren't just a small chapter in my life. No, you are not some guy unworthy of me. God, I cant write anymore, this is too much..