A very desi (Indian) gay man living in-between New Delhi and New York.
Well the blog isn't really a secret one, but the reason I chose 'underground' in the title? - So that I can live in the illusion that I try to be a little discreet about my perpetually high libido
I remember I saw you
the first time in a Youtube video. Just another celebrity crush I guess. I
obsessed about you. I obsessed about going to Tihar and fantasized about
meeting you as your lawyer. To see deep into your eyes, feel your (supposed)
pain and touch you while quoting obscure penal sections on sedition. I imagined
your deep husky voice wrapping me.
After that my regular visits
to JNU (Jawaharlal Nehru University) became……sexual visits to JNU. Random
streets for me started acquiring intimacy. Silly administrative block steps became
potential PDA spots. One afternoon, I finally saw you. I saw you lying down on
a sofa, with your head on your girlfriend’s lap and I recalled countless boys I
had fantasized about before and how their girlfriends were always the Komolika
to my Kausauti Zindagi Ki. You casually looked up, saw me for one second and
continued on with your life.
The moment I left the
room, I imagined how you would leave the room. You would think who that boy
was, why he left you with a sense of familiarity, that you wanted to feel that
familiarity by calling out to me, by touching my hand…. That was the day when I
finally got interested in JNU politics. I started looking for sexual undertones
in every slogan of yours. I started noting the difference of the tone of your
voice whenever you said ‘hum kya chahte’, never mind what came after that.
The second time I saw
you was in your hostel. You didn’t notice me this time. My eyes followed you
around the room. Funny thing about standing out because of your sexuality is
that even though people see you, they unsee you. They avoid your eyes. They
don’t look into you the way you look into them. You didn’t care. I had to
pretend that I was there for the cause and not for you. I had to appear
confident when you asked for donation for your party.
Over the years, it has
become so easy to look for familiarity in strangers. It has become so easy to
fall in love with strangers. To have a parallel world running inside me, solely
motivated by my desires for you. Where you will love me, touch me, fuck me….not
reject me. The next time you noticed me, you saw me. Not for me, but for the
way I looked. You had that smile. The smile I saw on countless boys in school
and college and continue to see on strangers in metro, streets. The smile which
makes me look away. The smile which tells me that I don’t belong here. The
smile which tells me that I should be made fun of. I pretended that I didn’t
notice. While walking away I imagined you standing up for me in front of your
friends. I imagined you running behind me, tapping me on my back, and I turn
and you say ‘aapko yahan maine pehle bhi dekha hai’. I smile and I say no and I
walk away. I leave you wanting more.
I came close to you in
another rally. I was drunk. I walked close to you. I subtly leaned forward and
smelled you. God! You smelled better than I thought you would. I could taste
the heaviness of your sweat. I could feel the fabric of your kurta touching your
skin. I saw your sweat covering your back. I saw those droplets shaped like
someone had scratched your back in a moment of ecstasy. I followed you the
I felt good. No, really
I did. This time I didn’t run any scenarios through my head. This time I walked
away, thinking about the smell of your sweat.
I only imagined you
falling in love. I only imagined my non-familiarity to your love.
I was traveling in the metro the other day. Taking the violet line, in between Mandi House and Nehru Place. Traveling along the route that I have taken many times when I lived around that area few years ago. I would never take a seat to sit because I loved standing next to the door and looking outside of it. When the metro shifted its route above ground after Jangpura and towards Lajpat Nagar metro station, I would feel like I was emerging out into the crowded world from dark lonely caves. The moment metro compartment I would be standing in would see the light, I would imagine my skin beginning to glow. I would imagine that light running all around, dancing across strange faces and loud phones. The way the world passed below me, after the Greater Kailash metro station, made me feel like I was part of something big. Something much bigger than me or anyone. Recently while I was taking the same route, standing the way I always used to, I hated that it had become about you and not about …
Everyone keeps talking about how great open relationship really is. Yes it is.
In case you were wondering that this post was going to be me bitching about open relationships, it isn't.
However, I do want to talk about what the most difficult part for me has been...being in an open relationship. It's been my tussle with figuring out intimacies. One thing that I have always been very clear in my head about before going into bed with anyone is that I can NOT get it up without being intimate with the other person. By intimacy I don't mean showering 'I love you's' or 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you' (thinking of which I have said 'I love you' to barely 5 people in my life) but requiring a minimum level of attachment with the other person. It could perhaps be me being attracted to the way he smells, or how intelligent he is, or good to talk to. I can not do anything without talking to the other person for some good time (which may str…
I think it started when I would start setting aside a bit of my monthly salary for a gay spa visit regularly. I wanted to shift from shared rooms, hurried blowjobs and bathing rituals under watchful eyes to familiarity of my own bed (or the convenience of not carrying lube). I met you on one of my spa visits. You could have been any other - I would have been one of many. For the first time, I had actually chosen the guy on phone and asked specifically for him. I didn't plan on having penetrative sex with you. We met, we talked, we liked each other?
I have bottomed for very few. Impulsively, I decided to do it for with you. I think in your life you come across some dicks, which not only fit just perfectly inside you, but make you feel like you could worship them. Suck them till your jaw starts hurting. Make them rest on your face while you gently caress them. Compare notes with them. Have picnics with them. Miss them when they are not around. Make you feel like that there is stil…