A very desi (Indian) gay man living in-between New Delhi and New York.
Well the blog isn't really a secret one, but the reason I chose 'underground' in the title? - So that I can live in the illusion that I try to be a little discreet about my perpetually high libido
My girlfriends' boyfriends
Do you ever just get tired of repeating the same patterns in your life fully knowing how stupid and fucked up they are? Ok, I am SURE I am not the first non-hetero to have fallen for straight boys/men. God knows I survived 2 years of my high school by imagining Twilight to be my life. You remember that scene? When Bella is sitting for lunch and she sees Edward for the first time? When he enters? I used to re-live that scene again and again in my head, with Gaga's Starstruck playing in the back. Imagining one of my batch mates as Edward Cullen (lol, don't judge), only to be told, in reality, that I will never be his Bella :(
Forever and always 💔
So the thing is that I DID stop wasting my time and efforts on straight boys, particularly post two very idiotic episodes in college. Long story short: I thought I was 'in love' with a boy who obviously didn't reciprocate. He started dating a good friend of mine and stupidly, in jealousy and out of million insecurities I cut off that friend from my life. (Don't worry I did apologize to her and promised that I WILL NEVER LET MEN GET IN THE WAY OF MY FRIENDSHIPS!!!!! This apology happened 3 years after me cutting her off, but who cares! We all make mistakes!) Then in my final year of college, I got sexually involved with another straight(?) batch mate, who was one of my (ex) friends' then boyfriend. Mostly, this involved us meeting in secret, late night in the boy's hostel and me choking on his dick. All I remember is that his dick was small (and I think one of the reasons for him being overtly aggressive and constantly getting into fist fights with people) and that it used to smell of Lifebuoy soap. He wanted to fuck me and there was only so much I would cheat on my (then) boyfriend. (yes, I am a terrible person, so fuck you too). Later he turned abusive and harassy and lot of people never believed a word of it because he was a man's man you know? But I digress!
After hooking up with this boy, I discovered a thing about myself which I hadn't really recognised before. I had a kink for my female friends' boyfriends. And of course, I have psychoanalysed this trait to death. This could be because I could never really get any crush of mine, who would mostly be straight men, to desire me back. It could be because generally straight men would rarely figure out in my social/friend circles and these boyfriends would be the only ones I would actually interact with. I don't know. But I started living in this perverted (or not so perverted) fantasies of sharing these boyfriends? This sharing wouldn't involve the nonsense straight couple do everyday though. I can't do these random calls asking for each other's health, or whether the other person has eaten yet or not. Even if this was all happening in my head! Yuck. It would mean me checking out their dick pics, vicariously having sex with them by discussing each and every detail of my girlfriends' sex life, me pretending to care about these boy's life ambitions and family problems and giving my support here and there, passing a mutual nod in the corridors of boy's hostel but only looking in their direction when they are only in their towels stepping out of their rooms for a bath. For the ones who were in a 'long distance relationship', I would obsessively stalk them, try starting a conversation with them, look for excuses to establish some bro connections with them. I knew that that there was zero possibility of maintaining any relationship with these boys had it not been for their relationships with my female friends. They weren't obligated to stand up for me in their own bro circles, or stop others from making fun of me. And I never expected them to.
Thankfully, now, I have a little self-dignity in life. Or atleast I pretend to. I have stopped leching after these stupid boys. Ok I am kidding. I haven't. Lelz. What is it about emotionally unavailable straight men that just gives me the biggest hard on? Lately I have started unfriending/unfollowing men who my friends have a fall out with. Why do they deserve my time? Why should I fuel their egos? Why should I validate their existence! I am also tired of just intellectualising every experience in life to reconcile with how fucked up these situations make me feel. Rationalising my behaviour or analysing straight men's refusal to understand queerness is not going to help. Because I thought that I am becoming my high school/college old self again, I started making myself believe that hey! I am not just desiring them because they are my friends' boyfriends. I like them because they are actually interesting people! No.
I just feel tired. Of constantly making the same mistake again and again, of desiring these men. Which essentially just translates to desiring loneliness. I feel stupid for feeling joy whenever my friends tell me that their boyfriend(s) ask about me. I feel like an idiot for feeling nervous whenever my friends discuss possibility of getting back together with these stupid men because in my head, I feel like I am getting another chance with them too. Ugh. And we all know how stupid straight men's chest suddenly fucking swells up because gay guys are hitting on them. Anyway, I don't really have a solution to this problem. I mean....is it even a problem? Perhaps it's fine to be motivated by fantasies? Perhaps it's okay to have non-reciprocated relationships as long as you can control the extent of it?
I was traveling in the metro the other day. Taking the violet line, in between Mandi House and Nehru Place. Traveling along the route that I have taken many times when I lived around that area few years ago. I would never take a seat to sit because I loved standing next to the door and looking outside of it. When the metro shifted its route above ground after Jangpura and towards Lajpat Nagar metro station, I would feel like I was emerging out into the crowded world from dark lonely caves. The moment metro compartment I would be standing in would see the light, I would imagine my skin beginning to glow. I would imagine that light running all around, dancing across strange faces and loud phones. The way the world passed below me, after the Greater Kailash metro station, made me feel like I was part of something big. Something much bigger than me or anyone. Recently while I was taking the same route, standing the way I always used to, I hated that it had become about you and not about …
Everyone keeps talking about how great open relationship really is. Yes it is.
In case you were wondering that this post was going to be me bitching about open relationships, it isn't.
However, I do want to talk about what the most difficult part for me has been...being in an open relationship. It's been my tussle with figuring out intimacies. One thing that I have always been very clear in my head about before going into bed with anyone is that I can NOT get it up without being intimate with the other person. By intimacy I don't mean showering 'I love you's' or 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you' (thinking of which I have said 'I love you' to barely 5 people in my life) but requiring a minimum level of attachment with the other person. It could perhaps be me being attracted to the way he smells, or how intelligent he is, or good to talk to. I can not do anything without talking to the other person for some good time (which may str…
I think it started when I would start setting aside a bit of my monthly salary for a gay spa visit regularly. I wanted to shift from shared rooms, hurried blowjobs and bathing rituals under watchful eyes to familiarity of my own bed (or the convenience of not carrying lube). I met you on one of my spa visits. You could have been any other - I would have been one of many. For the first time, I had actually chosen the guy on phone and asked specifically for him. I didn't plan on having penetrative sex with you. We met, we talked, we liked each other?
I have bottomed for very few. Impulsively, I decided to do it for with you. I think in your life you come across some dicks, which not only fit just perfectly inside you, but make you feel like you could worship them. Suck them till your jaw starts hurting. Make them rest on your face while you gently caress them. Compare notes with them. Have picnics with them. Miss them when they are not around. Make you feel like that there is stil…