Wednesday, December 21, 2011
The thing about your heart is that no matter how much you try to shield it, cover it, build walls around it, in the end the bitch still gets hurt. I am still on my journey to happiness. Not that I am not happy (in general), I mean in the love department. Yeah, still haven’t fallen in love. Call me stupid, but I still believe in ‘The One’. I am still waiting for him. Is registering myself on multiple gay dating websites the right way to find him? I don’t know. I don’t care. I keep satisfying myself by saying that atleast I try, not just waiting for it to happen. I don’t know. I am self-conflicted. On one hand, I think that I don’t need to TRY, I just have to let it go because when it’s gonna happen, it shall happen while on the other hand I think that just waiting for it to happen won’t actually MAKE it happen, I will have to take control of my life and PUSH it to happen. Are you still with me reader? Where am I going with this? I don’t know. Honestly I think they should make Ally Mcbeal Part II with me starring in it. Anybody interested in directing? Anyone?
I have taken control. Or that’s what I think I have done. But I find it hard to totally let anybody in. It’s happened 3 times now. These 3 guys I have spoken to, while chatting/over the phone/personally…..doesn’t matter. I talked with them (individually and at different times of course) and felt this amazing connection. Please don’t think I sound chick flicky, it actually did happen. It wasn’t just one way, they said it too. They complimented me more than I ever did to them. We spoke. Spoke for hours. I did let the first one in, a little bit. But then he left. Just left. Said that he had a crush on someone and had the same connection with him and thought he should go for it. I smiled and pretended to have a big unselfish heart and wished him luck. The second one came along, after few months. This time I was careful. Didn’t imagine myself holding hands with him. Didn’t imagine us looking at each other. Prepared myself not to be heartbroken. But something about him! I just gave in again. Only to be broken. Again. He said he had decided to get back with his ex. That time was it. I just became cold. In terms of loving anyone. I thought no one deserves it. Atleast not me. Then this third guy. It happened again. He has just stopped replying. I don’t know. He’s never there where he used to be. He just never replies.
It was never about sex. It is ridiculously easy to find people just for sex. There are a lot of horny assholes looking for an asshole out there. No. it has always been about everything but sex with me. You know I hated myself for being in this state specially after how I thought I was above this after the second time. I still wait for the third guy’s reply. And for the second guy’s too. Why? Because I don’t think I have the strength to let go of hope. To eradicate the idea that there is someone for everyone. This insane utopian idea is the only thing keeping me sane. I proudly declare that I live in my dream world more than I live in reality. I don’t know if this will ever come true. If ever I will have what those people in love have. But one thing I know for sure is that I am not lost. I might have lost a great amount of hope but NEVER will I be lost.
P.S. I started this blog with the words “in my last teenage year”, I turned 20 this month. I still don’t have The One. But the journey still goes on! Still on baby!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
To those who have been reading my blog, (I am hoping there IS someone besides me who reads this thing) sorry for being extraordinarily irregular at this thing. The reason why I don’t feel like writing here often is because I usually end up writing the stuff I want to write in my diary and then I don’t feel the need to write it again. Hold on, don’t jump to the conclusion. I do write much more in my diary besides my relationship failures/<non> adventures. In fact I have a friend who too has an anonymous blog and her blog is her diary. Interesting, right?
Ok. So a lot has happened in my life since the last post. Well, I kinda got sick of that dating website. Is it necessary for a gay guy to be registered on a website? Has it come down to this for each and every one of us? That there is no other way you can meet anyone out there. It all sounds very sad doesn’t it? Or maybe this is just one of the ways we identify ourselves with. But I refuse to identify myself with a profile name rather than my real name. Is it really healthy to be spending time on a virtual world where the response you get from strangers is solely based on how attractive your profile picture is? Every guy you meet from that website either thinks that you looked way better in that photograph or he is counting the minutes until he can get his dick in your ass. (I have NOTHING against the people who DO like these dating websites). The time I was on that website, I met unbelievable amount of horny fucks. In all shapes and sizes. Hair obsessed, sneaker loving, bent dicks, 3-inchers, 10-inchers (yeah, sadly that’s the longest I came across), low-hangers…….everything! All of them sex hungry and nothing else. Seriously, describing your sex position in bed is not a humble way to start a conversation with a stranger. Is that why these dating websites exist? Just to satisfy your dicks? An alternative to boring daily masturbation routine? The worst part is that you yourself inevitably turn into a desperate judgmental bitch. The other places to look for people are those shady and slightly not-so-shady gay bars and pubs. Again, I refuse to go there and I have never been in one. Why? Because there the situation is lot worse! It’s not just the creepy messages there but a full fletched blow-job hungry monster (can I say that?) in flesh and blood standing right in front of you to scare the fuck out of you.
SEX. Is this all gay men desire? Is it the basis of all good gay relationships?
I had non-penetration sex* with this guy once few months ago. One word: BAD. I decided to tell him the truth that I didn’t like it and he shouldn’t bother calling me again. He didn’t take it well, to cut it short there were a lot of nasty things said (from his side….sheesh….i am wayyyy above this) and he didn’t bother me for few months. And I did the lowest of the low, I dumped him (not that we were boyfriends, but still…in my defence he DID like me a lot) over a text!!!!! Just one short text. I didn’t even have the decency to call him. Anyway, after few months, he called me again!! Yeah, can you believe it!! It was then I realized how gay Indian men frustratingly ache for sex 24/7. Would you want to
have sex stay in touch with the guy who dumped your ass on a text?
I don’t know what to look for or WHO to look for anymore.
I am tired of all this dating website business!!
I got myself re-registered today. Go ahead. Laugh.
*non penetration sex is everything you can do in bed with each other besides the obvious- anal sex. So wohoo! I am still a virgin. And a proud one too
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
One and a half month! I apologize for not being regular (for anyone who cares). Commitment is a bitch. In case you are thinking that the reason I was absent for so long might be because I found someone, well, you couldn’t be more wrong. But I am still trying.
1st guy – We met through a dating website. We chatted. We exchanged pictures. We exchanged numbers and talked. Then one hour before meeting he says that he has a confession to make. “Sure go ahead” I said. “Listen, I don’t know how to say this and I am really sorry. The picture I showed you is not mine. It’s just random guy I got off the internet.” End result = I got super pissed + disgusted but decided to meet him. To be polite he wasn’t what I was hoping for. Oh! Screw politeness, he was a fucked up, drugee looking, unclean, weird teeth-ish guy. I told him “fuck yourself” and ran, yes, literally ran away from him. The sad part, he
had has my number. He kept calling me to which I didn’t respond. The end.
2nd guy – Again, we came to know about each other through the website (not the same one though), we exchanged pics (this time it was the real one) and boy! He was hot! And then we exchanged numbers. We talked. And he turned out to be the perfect studly boyfriend I have always ever wanted! Smooth, no-nonsense, classy, so straighty that he would give me studliest straight friends a complex. One complication, actually two. He wasn’t looking for a relationship and he basically wanted a top for a bottom. I don’t like to put labels on anyone. God knows, I am always propagating ‘be yourself’ and Gooo Gaga!! He said he wasn’t into sissies. Is there any perfect way to define this? I don’t know. I had never thought about this before. After the conversation I actually went upto many of my friends and asked them to rate my sisseness. One said 94%, other said 65%, another 99.99%, some said 24%......bottom line I didn’t fit his criteria. So everything went to hell. But damn!! He was everything I wanted. But anyway, I can’t change myself to suit someone else. Just be who you are.
3rd guy – Another guy. Fairly good looking. Just got out from a one year relationship. Was about to go on a date with him and then I realized that there is NO FREAKING WAY IN HELL I am going to be anybody’s rebound guy. So this went to hell too.
4th guy – We both started chatting. He is gorgeous. Plus point, he said he’s into skinny guys. Wohoo!! And I gave him my number. I think I got one missed call from an unknown number once…….??????..........and he hasn’t replied back on the website nor has he texted on my number. Ok. Wait. It might look like I am such a sexual desperate wannabe, which I am, but please, I won’t let THEM see this side of me!! It was him who started the conversation. So you know, whatever. So this went to hell again, and why the FUCK hasn’t he still replied???
5th guy – He is so freaking amazing. He writes superbly. And he is studly (I have a thing for studs). I have actually warned all my studly friends not to come near me whenever I am drunk, I won’t be able to control. But I don’t want to make the first move here. We talk. Sometimes I don’t even reply (you have to show some unavailability right?), but I really hope something comes out of it. Still hoping for it not to go to hell.
6th guy – This is really recent. We started chatting. He was ok looking (atleast in the picture) and exchanged numbers and decided to meet. So when we were about to meet and meanwhile talking on the phone, I saw this guy “hey, are you wearing blue?” “Yeah I am”, Shit!! He was weird looking. God! I am so judgemental, no wonder I am alone. Anyway, I ran, literally ran, out of this situation too. And all this while he stood there waiting for me and then ultimately he abused me and went on to his “backup date/fuck buddy” and well I went to a bookstore with my sky high libido without any idea what to do about it. So I called the 1st guy. Fine!! I AM shallow!! According to him, I had decided to give him a second chance. But I just wanted to get laid. And I was feeling hungry and I needed someone to pay the bill. And we went to a restaurant (he paid the bill ofcourse) and I learned a very crucial and significant thing about him. He is filthy rich!! So I invited him to my room. Don’t worry, I am still a virgin. We did everything besides penetration. Sheesh!! He was hairy!! But he was really good at biting nipples. They still hurt. So I was NOT physically attracted to him at all but to his money.
I am going to continue doing sexual stuff with the 1st guy only because I can take him shopping and buy awesome stuff. I don’t really care about the emotional connection right now. I think it’s much easier not to think about it and just letting it go. But there’s a significant part of my brain which says not to continue with this. It’s really hard to get an erection around him you know, he’s not pleasant looking.
*One day later*
I ended it. Once and for all. He kept asking me to go out for dinner and I kept stalling him, so he asked to tell him honestly if I liked him or not and I said no. so yeah, this has gone to hell too.
On to the next adventure!!!! (Not really, I just wanted to write this and see how it sounds in my head)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Is this depression? Wanting to hide within yourself, shelling yourself in from everyone, being comfortable with sadness, putting up a fake smile for everyone, losing yourself within the crowd, finding happiness a pain in the ass? I have fallen in love with a straight guy yet again. Why, don’t I ever learn? The most conflicting thing is that I know fully and completely in my heart and in my mind and no matter how many stories I might have heard about straight guys turning gay for a gay guy, there is absolutely NO chance with that guy.
This guy..........is in my batch whom I ironically hated before this “love” thing. Always called him a wannabe (yes people he is one), his dressing sense really tragic, his walk, let’s just say, people like him don’t make heads turn. And now each trait of his is such a f’ing turn on! And you know what is more sucking? He’s hitting on one of my very good friends. I know that I am probably the worst friend in the world and I probably set the definition for hypocrites but I just can’t stand watching both of them together. I am very much aware of the fact that it is no fault of her’s whatsoever and she actually says and I know she means it when she says that she would kill herself, yes KILL herself if I cut her out of my life but I just can’t freaking help it. I have been shouting at her these past days, blaming her for every wrong in my life, in short being a hardcore stone cold bitch. And I see her torn and shattered face every time and I choose not to do anything about it. He’s straight!!!! But it’s just that I have NEVER had anyone…….ANYONE (and please family and friends don’t count) love me the way a lover is supposed to love. Is it too much to ask in life for someone who would feel the same way as you feel? Is it too much to crave for his company? The thing with me is that I might say that I don’t expect much out of anybody but now I want him to feel something for me. To have at least 0.000001% of curiosity/interest/whatever. Or is this just lust? Whenever I think about him it’s not sexual at all. When I think of him, it’s always the intimacy without being physically intimate.
I know nothing will happen, but it’s so hard to let it go. I don’t want to let go of it. I just want to feel sad and cry, it being a proof of my one sided love. Earlier, fine I had a big time crush on a particular guy where I knew nothing would be possible, I would ultimately go back to my home and get on with my life but living in hostel changes everything! The pain I have to go through whenever I run into him not just in classes but in corridors, during meal times, in the library, every walk of my college life. Whenever I see him, it’s not just the want and need but the sheer sadness of my life that I am falling for someone who doesn’t give a fuck about my existence and wants nothing to have to do with me. That I have let my life and thoughts revolve around a straight guy. Sexuality is no doubt a big thing. It can’t be changed or forced. Again, I know this. Me expecting him to turn gay for me is just a proof of pathetic me. We gays always get it hard. We always have to be careful whom we fall in love with. We don’t get the rush and excitement of liking any random person and expecting that crush to reciprocate because first we have to go to lengths to find out which gender that person actually likes. Every hope of homosexuality or bisexuality or curiosity hangs on this discovery. Isn’t it unfair that for every heartbreak we go along with the general and accepted explanation of never happening anyway only because of orientation? But then again isn’t the whole existence of human being unfair?
Everytime……..everytime, I have to ultimately force myself to move along, to live along with my life but what if I am sick and tired of this felling? What if I don’t want to move on? Just this once actually hold on to this feeling of desiring someone real and not just some made up imaginary gay romantic lover? Agreed, that it takes a lifetime for everyone, gay or straight, to find the right person. But if I am not mistaken, they do go through lot of experiments and options in between. I am tired of putting the conservative Indian society as an excuse, I am tired of saying that no one would ever understand me, I am tired of proving it to everyone that I will achieve whatever I want in my life without any love by my side. Its 10th grade all over again; two-two and a half years ago, my first ever real crush being a straight guy which did NOT end well. Little did I know then that rejection would become my constant companion.
What to do? But here I am willing myself to move on with my life, every crush + love accompanied with tears and wishing that I was dead rather than ending up love-less my whole life. I just wish that I didn’t have to move on with my life, wake up with the feeling that someone is actually looking forward to see me.
Oh! Great, now my room-mate is asking my advice on his STRAIGHT crush life.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Yeah, you read it right. I did it! I totally did it!
It was probably the biggest disappointment in my life. Every image, every expectation, shattered….ruined. I met this guy on this gay dating website (yes, I know sad) and from there we got around chatting and then exchange of numbers and then texts followed by both of us wanting to meet up and have “fun” (His words not mine). This all may seem like a process but all of it took just one hour. So I met him this Sunday, 23rd. Before I tell you what actually happened on this date/fun-date, let me enlighten you with why I chose this guy. 9 inches. If anyone has been reading my blog, he/she would understand my obsession with this measurement. Isn’t it weird that before telling his name and asking for mine that guy showed me his dick? Yes, it was exactly 9 inches, no exaggerations.
We met. Typical South Indian (but not completely dark skinned….no people I am NOT racist), as tall as me, 6 feet, and medium built. If ever I had seen him somewhere, anywhere, I wouldn’t have given him a second glance but at that point of time all I could think was ‘Fuck, he has 9 inches; shit I am a virgin, crap I didn’t get any condoms, crap! I have only 6.5’. I went ahead with it. We talked for a while, completely random, I don’t even remember, and then we went to my room (I had rented one for the weekend).
He switched on the television, wanted to see some stupid cricket match! Well, we got naked, and gosh! That 9 inches! We started kissing. It was weird. Isn’t your first kiss supposed to make you feel that the world has stopped spinning? To make you forget everything else? To get your heart racing? To make you so much involved that you forget breathing? No, nothing happened. He was the worst kisser ever. His hands weren’t behind my back or anywhere for that matter. He never touched my face with his fingers. He never looked me in my eyes. Silly me, I didn’t stop even then. I got down to give him BJ. And it was disgusting!! It was so freaking big, I choked on it. He wasn’t even looking at me! He didn’t moan, even once. And when with great difficulty I went deepthroat he said ‘oh shit! A 6!’ (Cricket match). That would be a slap on the face on any prudent person….not me….i
was am a dickhead. I continued. Still. When I proceeded with my dick towards his mouth, he stopped me and said, ‘Dude, I don’t do oral’. Wtf? ‘Are you straight or something?’ Well to cut the crap and get to the bottom line, he gave me a bj with a condom on (Soo not hot, please NEVER and I mean NEVER give a BJ to any guy with a condom on, NOT worth it), came in my mouth. And then just left.
Oh! Anal you ask? I am a virgin, remember? I am a semi-virgin now. When he started doing it, argh! The pain!! The agony! I couldn’t do it. He tried it with 2 condoms but whenever he tried to push it in, I just couldn’t deal with the pain. So yeah, semi virgin. And of course, he was a top so I couldn’t do him.
So this was my first. Everyone’s first involves so much intimacy, passion, lust if not love. I cannot believe I wasted my first time on him. The whole idea of this blog seems so stupid now. I don’t want random hook ups ever. At this point, I want to mention my BFF, who after coming to know what happened with me, explained me what actually is wrong with my head and thank you( even though you may never read this my best friend). I feel so stupid now. Can’t believe it took such horrid experience to make me realize that. I’ll spare you gruesome details…it involved me puking out his cum and pubic hair later….well let’s just not go there. Earlier I thought that I had reached that stage in my life, where I was thoroughly convinced that I’ll just go with the flow, just live in the moment, not wait for anyone, not chasing love but getting struck by it whenever it’s supposed to strike me. But I was wrong about myself.
I can see clearly now.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Did I ever tell you about my college? Yeah, I HATE it. Not just because of my psycho room-mate, horrid hostel food (don’t get me wrong, my college ranking happens to be 2nd), but a complete lack of options. I have just three freaking gay seniors! (Those ball-less closet cases not counted). And guess what, all of them are bottoms. Argh!! Ok before you jump on me, I don’t have anything against bottoms but I cant stand one in a relationship. And one of them is 6’5”. Imagine what would be the size of his dick! Why, oh why is this world so cruel?
The thing is, I’m still confused about my position.
Top/Mostly top/ Frequently top? Bottom/ Mostly bottom/ Frequently bottom/ Bottom-in-denial/ bottom pretending to be top only to get hotter guys?
I don’t f’ing know! I say that I am bottom cause I always imagine myself to be, but I’m not closed to the idea of top. My friend begs me to go full on top cause he thinks that all tops want to do is just fuck and use and fuck and enjoy and fuck and bottom takes all the pain (Stupid Straight Views). Which one is better? I asked a straight guy friend of mine – vaginal sex or anal sex? He said that fucking a tight ass is super hot. Top, then? I just know a little about pain (Dildos not a real dick. I wasn’t able to walk for some time after my first time!), so let’s see (hopefully) how a dick feels….
Monday, January 3, 2011
Happy New Year! Any resolutions? My resolution is to take this resolution business seriously. What was mine last year? Yeah Baby! Losing my virginity. No, I have not been successful. In this post I shall come clean. I have lied so much! And the stories I have been coming up in these past years! Ok, Fine! I was inspired by the movie Easy A a little (have you seen it, amazing isn’t it?) but I don’t think I have the guts to say the truth to my friends, so thank you anonymous blogging.
Lie No. 1: I am not a virgin.
Lie No. 2: I gave a standing BJ to 5 random guys on 5 different occasions while going to my tuitions.
Lie No. 3: I was in serious relationship with a 41 year old guy when I was sixteen. He got a tattoo on his muscled arm; his tattoo, my name.
(You hate me now, don’t you?, if you weren’t already.)
Lie No. 4: I am an expert in giving deepthroat.
Lie No. 5: Random guys make pass at me all the time.
Lie No. 6: My first (straight) love went gay only for me.
Lie No. 7: I have 3 F***Buddies.
Lie No. 8: I am not desperate.
Lie No. 9: I am over Justin Timberlake, James Franco and Zac Effon.
Lie No. 10: I think porn is for low-lives and I watch it rarely.
Lie No. 11: I don’t have a crush on the straight Edward Cullen-ish guy in my college (batch) and I don’t get up early hoping to see him go shirtless in the hostel washroom.
Lie No. 12: I am not vain, I don’t want a studly boyfriend, good personality will do.
Lie No. 13: I am happy with my 6.5 package.
Lie No. 14: I don’t masturbate twice (sometimes thrice) a day
Aah! The feeling of putting off load off your shoulders! I have said this before, I say it again, I couldn’t be happier with my decision of choosing to be anonymous. You know what is strange to me. Whole college knows that I am gay, all the people in my high school knew and I chose not to be identified here. I know I write really gay stuff and say too in my day-to-day life but seriously I do NOT anybody to know my obsession with dicks and everything I wrote in my previous posts! So here is almost everything I have been telling my friends. Why did I lie? I don’t know. It just got bigger and bigger and till this date going according to my lying machine, I have had sex atleast 30 times, been in love twice and have been in a relationship 5 times. I cant stop it now.