Tuesday, February 15, 2011

2 Year Old Chapter Revisited

Is this depression? Wanting to hide within yourself, being comfortable with sadness, putting up a fake smile for everyone, losing yourself within the crowd, finding happiness a pain in the ass? I have fallen in love with a straight guy yet again. Why don’t I ever learn? The most conflicting thing is that I know fully and completely in my heart and in my mind that no matter how many stories I might have heard about straight guys turning gay for a gay guy, there is absolutely NO chance with this guy.

This guy..........is in my batch who I ironically hated before this “love” thing. Always called him a wannabe (yes people he is one), his dressing sense really tragic, his walk, let’s just say - people like him don’t make heads turn. And now each trait of his is such a f’ing turn on! And you know what sucks even more? He’s hitting on one of my very good friends. I know that I am probably the worst friend in the world and I probably set the definition for hypocrites but I just can’t stand watching both of them together. I am very aware of the fact that it is no fault of her’s whatsoever and she actually says and I know she means it when she says that she would kill herself, yes KILL herself if I cut her out of my life but I just can’t freaking help it. I have been shouting at her these past days, blaming her for every wrong in my life, in short being a hardcore stone cold bitch. And I see her torn and shattered face every time and I choose not to do anything about it. He’s straight!!!! But it’s just that I have NEVER had anyone…….ANYONE (and please family and friends don’t count) love me the way a lover is supposed to love. Is it too much to ask in life for someone who would feel the same way as you feel? Is it too much to crave for his company? The thing with me is that I might say that I don’t expect much out of anybody but now I want him to feel something for me. To have at least 0.000001% of curiosity/interest/whatever. Or is this just lust? Whenever I think about him it’s not sexual at all. When I think of him, it’s always the intimacy without being physically intimate.

I know nothing will happen, but it’s so hard to let go. I don’t want to let go of it. I just want to feel sad and cry. Earlier in life, if I had a big time crush on a particular guy where I knew nothing would be possible, I would ultimately go back to my home and get on with my life but living in hostel changes everything! The pain I have to go through whenever I run into him not just in classes but in corridors, during meal times, in the library, every walk of my college life. Whenever I see him, it’s not just the want and need but the sheer sadness of my life that I am falling for someone who doesn’t give a fuck about my existence and wants nothing to do with me. That I have let my life and thoughts revolve around a straight guy. Sexuality is no doubt a big thing. It can’t be changed or forced. Again, I know this. Me expecting him to turn gay for me is just a proof of pathetic me. We gays always get it hard. We always have to be careful whom we fall in love with. We don’t get the rush and excitement of liking any random person and expecting that crush to reciprocate because first we have to go to lengths to find out which gender that person actually likes. Every hope of homosexuality or bisexuality or curiosity hangs on this discovery. Isn’t it unfair that for every heartbreak we go along with the general and accepted explanation of never happening anyway only because of orientation? But then again isn’t the whole existence of human being unfair?

Everytime……..everytime, I have to ultimately force myself to move along, to live along with my life but what if I am sick and tired of this felling? What if I don’t want to move on? Just this once actually hold on to this feeling of desiring someone real and not just some made up imaginary gay romantic lover? Agreed, that it takes a lifetime for everyone, gay or straight, to find the right person. But if I am not mistaken, they do go through lot of experiments and options in between. I am tired of putting the conservative Indian society as an excuse, I am tired of saying that no one would ever understand me, I am tired of proving it to everyone that I will achieve whatever I want in my life without any love by my side. Its 10th grade all over again; two and a half years ago, my first ever real crush being a straight guy which did NOT end well. Little did I know then that rejection would become my constant companion.

What to do? But here I am willing myself to move on with my life, every crush + love accompanied with tears and wishing that I was dead rather than ending up love-less my whole life. I just wish that I didn’t have to move on with my life, wake up with the feeling that someone is actually looking forward to see me.

Oh! Great, now my room-mate is asking my advice on his STRAIGHT crush life.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Semi Virgin

Yeah, you read it right. I did it! I totally did it!

It was probably the biggest disappointment of my life. Every image, every expectation, shattered….ruined. I met this guy on this gay dating website (yes, I know sad) and from there we got around chatting and then exchanged numbers. And then texts followed, both of us wanted to meet up and have “fun” (His words not mine). This all may seem like a process but all of it took just one hour. So I met him this Sunday, 23rd. Before I tell you what actually happened on this date/fun-date, let me enlighten you with why I chose this guy. 9 inches. If anyone has been reading my blog, he/she would understand my obsession with this measurement. Isn’t it weird that before telling his name and asking for mine that guy showed me his dick? Yes, it was exactly 9 inches, no exaggerations.

We met. Native Hyderabadi, as tall as me, 6 feet, and medium built. If ever I had seen him somewhere, anywhere, I wouldn’t have given him a second glance but at that point of time all I could think was ‘Fuck, he has 9 inches; shit I am a virgin, crap I didn’t get any condoms, crap! I have only 6.5’. I went ahead with it. We talked for a while, completely random, I don’t even remember, and then we went to my room (I had rented one for the weekend).

He switched on the television, wanted to see some stupid cricket match! Well, we got naked, and gosh! That 9 inches! We started kissing. It was weird. Isn’t your first kiss supposed to make you feel that the world has stopped spinning? To make you forget everything else? To get your heart racing? To be so involved that you forget breathing? No, nothing happened. He was the worst kisser ever. His hands weren’t behind my back or anywhere for that matter. He never touched my face with his fingers. He never looked me in my eyes. Silly me, I didn’t stop even then. I got down to give him BJ. And it was disgusting!! It was so freaking big, I choked on it. He wasn’t even looking at me! He didn’t moan, even once. And when with great difficulty I went deepthroat he said ‘oh shit! A 6!’ (Cricket match). That would be a slap on the face on any prudent person….not me….i  was am a dickhead. I continued. Still. When I proceeded with my dick towards his mouth, he stopped me and said, ‘Dude, I don’t do oral’. Wtf? ‘Are you straight or something?’ Well to cut the crap and get to the bottom line, he gave me a bj with a condom on (Soo not hot, please NEVER and I mean NEVER give a BJ to any guy with a condom on, NOT worth it), came in my mouth. And then just left.

Oh! Anal you ask? I am a virgin, remember? I am a semi-virgin now. When he started doing it, argh! The pain!! The agony! I couldn’t do it. He tried it with 2 condoms but whenever he tried to push it in, I just couldn’t deal with the pain. So yeah, semi virgin. And of course, he was a top so I couldn’t do him. So this was my first. Some people's first(s) involves so much intimacy, passion, lust if not love. I cannot believe I wasted my first time on him. The whole idea of this blog seems so stupid now. I don’t want random hook ups ever. At this point, I want to mention my BFF, who after coming to know what happened with me, explained me what actually is wrong with my head and thank you( even though you may never read this my best friend). I feel so stupid now. Can’t believe it took such a horrid experience to make me realize that. I’ll spare you gruesome details…it involved me puking out his cum and pubic hair later….well let’s just not go there.  Earlier I thought that I had reached that stage in my life, where I was thoroughly convinced that I’ll just go with the flow, just live in the moment, not wait for anyone, not chasing love but getting struck by it whenever it’s supposed to strike me. But I was wrong about myself. 

I can see clearly now.