Tuesday, February 15, 2011

2 Year Old Chapter Revisited


Is this depression? Wanting to hide within yourself, shelling yourself in from everyone, being comfortable with sadness, putting up a fake smile for everyone, losing yourself within the crowd, finding happiness a pain in the ass? I have fallen in love with a straight guy yet again. Why, don’t I ever learn? The most conflicting thing is that I know fully and completely in my heart and in my mind and no matter how many stories I might have heard about straight guys turning gay for a gay guy, there is absolutely NO chance with that guy.

This guy..........is in my batch whom I ironically hated before this “love” thing. Always called him a wannabe (yes people he is one), his dressing sense really tragic, his walk, let’s just say, people like him don’t make heads turn. And now each trait of his is such a f’ing turn on! And you know what is more sucking? He’s hitting on one of my very good friends. I know that I am probably the worst friend in the world and I probably set the definition for hypocrites but I just can’t stand watching both of them together. I am very much aware of the fact that it is no fault of her’s whatsoever and she actually says and I know she means it when she says that she would kill herself, yes KILL herself if I cut her out of my life but I just can’t freaking help it. I have been shouting at her these past days, blaming her for every wrong in my life, in short being a hardcore stone cold bitch. And I see her torn and shattered face every time and I choose not to do anything about it. He’s straight!!!! But it’s just that I have NEVER had anyone…….ANYONE (and please family and friends don’t count) love me the way a lover is supposed to love. Is it too much to ask in life for someone who would feel the same way as you feel? Is it too much to crave for his company? The thing with me is that I might say that I don’t expect much out of anybody but now I want him to feel something for me. To have at least 0.000001% of curiosity/interest/whatever. Or is this just lust? Whenever I think about him it’s not sexual at all. When I think of him, it’s always the intimacy without being physically intimate.

I know nothing will happen, but it’s so hard to let it go. I don’t want to let go of it. I just want to feel sad and cry, it being a proof of my one sided love. Earlier, fine I had a big time crush on a particular guy where I knew nothing would be possible, I would ultimately go back to my home and get on with my life but living in hostel changes everything! The pain I have to go through whenever I run into him not just in classes but in corridors, during meal times, in the library, every walk of my college life. Whenever I see him, it’s not just the want and need but the sheer sadness of my life that I am falling for someone who doesn’t give a fuck about my existence and wants nothing to have to do with me. That I have let my life and thoughts revolve around a straight guy. Sexuality is no doubt a big thing. It can’t be changed or forced. Again, I know this. Me expecting him to turn gay for me is just a proof of pathetic me. We gays always get it hard. We always have to be careful whom we fall in love with. We don’t get the rush and excitement of liking any random person and expecting that crush to reciprocate because first we have to go to lengths to find out which gender that person actually likes. Every hope of homosexuality or bisexuality or curiosity hangs on this discovery. Isn’t it unfair that for every heartbreak we go along with the general and accepted explanation of never happening anyway only because of orientation? But then again isn’t the whole existence of human being unfair?

Everytime……..everytime, I have to ultimately force myself to move along, to live along with my life but what if I am sick and tired of this felling? What if I don’t want to move on? Just this once actually hold on to this feeling of desiring someone real and not just some made up imaginary gay romantic lover? Agreed, that it takes a lifetime for everyone, gay or straight, to find the right person. But if I am not mistaken, they do go through lot of experiments and options in between. I am tired of putting the conservative Indian society as an excuse, I am tired of saying that no one would ever understand me, I am tired of proving it to everyone that I will achieve whatever I want in my life without any love by my side. Its 10th grade all over again; two-two and a half years ago, my first ever real crush being a straight guy which did NOT end well. Little did I know then that rejection would become my constant companion.

What to do? But here I am willing myself to move on with my life, every crush + love accompanied with tears and wishing that I was dead rather than ending up love-less my whole life. I just wish that I didn’t have to move on with my life, wake up with the feeling that someone is actually looking forward to see me.

Oh! Great, now my room-mate is asking my advice on his STRAIGHT crush life.