Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Nameless

The thing about your heart is that no matter how much you try to shield it, cover it, build walls around it, in the end the bitch still gets hurt. I am still on my journey to happiness. Not that I am not happy (in general), I mean in the love department. Yeah, still haven’t fallen in love. Call me stupid, but I still believe in ‘The One’. I am still waiting for him. Is registering myself on multiple gay dating websites the right way to find him? I don’t know. I don’t care. I keep satisfying myself by saying that atleast I try, not just waiting for it to happen. I don’t know. I am self-conflicted. On one hand, I think that I don’t need to TRY, I just have to let it go because when it’s gonna happen, it shall happen while on the other hand I think that just waiting for it to happen won’t actually MAKE it happen, I will have to take control of my life and PUSH it to happen. Are you still with me reader? Where am I going with this? I don’t know. Honestly I think they should make Ally Mcbeal Part II with me starring in it. Anybody interested in directing? Anyone?

I have taken control. Or that’s what I think I have done. But I find it hard to totally let anybody in. It’s happened 3 times now. These 3 guys I have spoken to, while chatting/over the phone/personally…..doesn’t matter. I talked with them (individually and at different times of course) and felt this amazing connection. Please don’t think I sound chick flicky, it actually did happen. It wasn’t just one way, they said it too. They complimented me more than I ever did to them. We spoke. Spoke for hours. I did let the first one in, a little bit. But then he left. Just left. Said that he had a crush on someone and had the same connection with him and thought he should go for it. I smiled and pretended to have a big unselfish heart and wished him luck. The second one came along, after few months. This time I was careful. Didn’t imagine myself holding hands with him. Didn’t imagine us looking at each other. Prepared myself not to be heartbroken. But something about him! I just gave in again. Only to be broken. Again. He said he had decided to get back with his ex. That time was it. I just became cold. In terms of loving anyone. I thought no one deserves it. Atleast not me. Then this third guy. It happened again. He has just stopped replying. I don’t know. He’s never there where he used to be. He just never replies.

It was never about sex. It is ridiculously easy to find people just for sex. There are a lot of horny assholes looking for an asshole out there. No. it has always been about everything but sex with me. You know I hated myself for being in this state specially after how I thought I was above this after the second time. I still wait for the third guy’s reply. And for the second guy’s too. Why? Because I don’t think I have the strength to let go of hope. To eradicate the idea that there is someone for everyone. This insane utopian idea is the only thing keeping me sane. I proudly declare that I live in my dream world more than I live in reality. I don’t know if this will ever come true. If ever I will have what those people in love have. But one thing I know for sure is that I am not lost. I might have lost a great amount of hope but NEVER will I be lost. 

P.S. I started this blog with the words “in my last teenage year”, I turned 20 this month. I still don’t have The One. But the journey still goes on! Still on baby!

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