Sunday, November 18, 2012
Is ANYBODY reading this? Few days back I was just thinking; did I start writing this blog to actually reach out to people? To actually touch somebody’s heart? Or just seeing it somewhere public would make it look more real? That reading the things that I write on a supposedly anonymous blog would actually make me look at the real meaning behind what I actually write. I guess I am still figuring out the answer. I started out by writing that this blog signifies my journey of finding ‘the one’. Well, it’s been 2 months and 21 days since I got into a relationship. And let me tell me, it’s every bit flowery and sickly sugary as they say it is. He is 2 years younger than me (god I feel like a cougar) and really smart and to me he is the most handsome guy on this planet.
Aah! You are thinking of me as one THOSE bitches aren’t you? The ones who starts everything with a ‘we’? Don’t worry. I am way too selfish to lose the ‘I’
Since the beginning of this relationship I have been trying to find out whether am I still lonely or not. You know what they say right. Everybody is alone, it’s just better to deal with it in a relationship.
Am I? Lonely? Still?
Sometimes I think I was just too comfortable blaming every misery of mine on my loneliness. Atleast there was something I could put the blame on. But then I realized I am just expecting for everything to crash. Like this whole thing is just too good to be true. “I hate the world for giving me everything and then taking it back” Sometimes I think my flair for drama will be the doom of me. I am still figuring stuff out. I love him. Yeah I do. I really do. I wasn’t sure before but I am now. 2 months is too early you say? Well fuck you. Who has ever decided what the real definition really is? I am just scared. I don’t want it to ever end. I don’t wanna go through what I was before again. Is that why I got into this? Just to get out that hollow space I was in? That I was just so tired of waiting that I saw this opportunity and just grabbed on to it? I have had these questions swirling inside my brain a lot of times. But somehow, my heart tells me not to believe them. Am I settling? I am 20 for god’s sake. Don’t you need to go through a lot to do that? I ask too many questions, don’t I?
The unsurety. That’s what keeping the relationship real for me. And I am loving every minute of it.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
You know that feeling when everything around you comes crashing down? Everyone you invested your spirits and heart in, isn’t there anymore? Well reader, if you don’t know it then let me tell you that it bloody fucking SUCKS. And when you are listening to the playlist which says ‘For when you just want to sit in your room and cry about that guy you need to get over but can't’, it really is the time to write another blog post. My last one was in December 2011. And to think what dreams and hopes I had for this blog. Ok, I don’t wanna sound like a wannabe pageant winner but I really dreamt of becoming this really cool blogger who would have a cult following, when the only following I seem to have in my life currently is that creepy owl which sits outside my room window and keeps staring at me. Seriously its weird, I jack off and suddenly I think ‘The fuck’ and well long story short, it’s not a situation desired anymore. Anyway, for ANYONE who reads this shitty blog that I have created, I am sorry that I am not regular at this.
Coming back to friends. Well, I have this theory of mine, not a theory, an approach in life, that since my parents are anyway going to cut me out of their life after I tell them that I am gay, why not invest more time in friends who won’t leave me cause you know…I suck dicks instead of vagina. Is that a right term? Sucking vagina? Ew. Who cares. Ok let’s ignore that vagina was ever brought up in this conversation. I have been falling apart with a lot of my friends lately. No, it’s not a PHASE. I am not some teenage girl on pms. I just know that it’s not going to get any better because what was there before is not just there anymore. Then I hate myself for letting my guard down. Why let anybody in? Isn’t it much much easier being alone? Much safer? FUCKING EMOTIONS. I can’t control them! I can’t seem to just switch them off. I don’t know dear reader. I am confused. Then I think that the plethora of emotions I give to my friends shouldn’t be given in the first place. I am just finding a replacement for a boyfriend. Sheesh, I hate that word. ‘Boyfriend’. I am 20 now. Matured enough. I don’t want a boyfriend. I want a partner. Then I hate myself for thinking that why does it always has to end up with me getting a guy. For those who care, I still am looking. I don’t want to go into the details of the dicks I have encountered since my last blogs, but let’s just say, their cum wasn’t good enough for me to swallow and their nipples weren’t good enough for me to keep going back at them. And the lack of brain!!!! Why is it so hard to find witty humble guys these days? Honestly, showing my video after video of Chris Brown dancing his ass off isn’t my idea of a good date! PISSES ME OFF.
Ok friends. They suck. They are needy. They just can’t be thrown out of your life. I get it. I just wish I didn’t put so many expectations on them. I will be careful now.