Sunday, November 18, 2012
Is ANYBODY reading this? Few days back I was just thinking - did I start writing this blog to actually reach out to people? To actually touch somebody’s heart? Or just seeing it somewhere public would make it look more real? That reading the things that I write on a supposedly anonymous blog would actually make me look at the real meaning behind what I actually write. I guess I am still figuring out the answer. I started out by writing that this blog signifies my journey of finding ‘the one’. Well, it’s been 2 months and 21 days since I got into a relationship. And let me tell you, it’s every bit flowery and sickly sugary as they say it is. He is 2 years younger than me and really smart and to me he is the most handsome guy on this planet.
Since the beginning of this relationship I have been trying to find out whether am I still lonely or not. You know what they say right. Everybody is alone, it’s just better to deal with it in a relationship.
Am I? Lonely? Still?
Sometimes I think I was just too comfortable blaming every misery of mine on my loneliness. At least there was something I could put the blame on. But then I realized I am just expecting everything to crash. Like this whole thing is just too good to be true. “I hate the world for giving me everything and then taking it back” Sometimes I think my flair for drama will be the doom of me. I am still figuring stuff out. I love him. Yeah I do. I really do. I wasn’t sure before but I am now. 2 months is too early you say? Well fuck you. Who has ever decided what the real definition really is? I am just scared. I don’t want it to ever end. I don’t wanna go through what I was before again. Is that why I got into this? Just to get out that hollow space I was in? That I was just so tired of waiting that I saw this opportunity and just grabbed on to it? I have had these questions swirling inside my brain a lot of times. But somehow, my heart tells me not to believe them. Am I settling? I am 20 for god’s sake. Don’t you need to go through a lot to do that? I ask too many questions, don’t I?
The unsurety. That’s what keeping the relationship real for me. And I am loving every minute of it.