Friday, October 18, 2013

To say what I can't

It's 4:18 a.m. and I cannot sleep. My eyes are swollen. My head just starts screaming on it's own. I want to write this for myself. Writing has always helped me before and I thought if I won't write down something....anything that is going on in my head then I would never be able to move on(?) I don't know. I never thought I would have to use this word. For few seconds I think what am I even bothered about? Million people go through break ups. People hurt, grow out of it and learn from their experience. Hell, this is just a break up. People go through so many severe losses. In my own country people are dying of terrorism, hunger, communal violence, civil wars and what the fucking fuck am I crying about! 

But I just can't get myself to dilute my own problem. First of all, I don't blame him. Nor do I blame myself. It's too painful to recount all the amazing moments I had with him throughout my year long relationship, but I do cherish them and will for the rest of my life. I still don' think I am too young and naive to commit. I still don't know what actually went wrong. I still love him. I'll always love him. No matter how many times he would say that love isn't enough, I still believe it's everything for me. I will still put love before my life. Does this make me an utter fool? Why should it? I chose to make my life secondary to love. I don't know what's gonna become of me now. When every cell in my body lived for someone and that someone is gone, I wonder....

I cry. I cry for everytime I try to sleep, I imagine him holding that same position which we both were so comfortable sleeping in, when he said that my back just perfectly fit his cute head while he held me. I cry for everytime he said that he loves me and that I was the best thing that could ever happen to him. I cry for the 3 dogs and 2 cats and 1 hamster which we'll never have. I cry for the little kid I imagined I would be holding with you when we would get older, the kid who had his face, his eyes but my nose, my hair colour but his texture, his eyes but a uni-brow like mine. I cry for the spiritual trip we planned to mountains, I cry for the concert which you promised me you would perform with your band, I cry for the violin which I planned to gift you, I cry for the taste of your mouth, the perfect way you kissed me, how special you made me feel, the way you kissed my forehead everytime after we would kiss, the way my head perfectly fit your arms. I cry for everything that couldn't be and could be. I cry, cry listening to Lazarus, the song we first kissed to, I cry listening to Speechless, the song we both sang to, I cry to Dark Paradise, the song we both thought we would sing for each other, I cry for all the times I screamed at you, blamed you, abused you. I cry for that first time we both said yes to our relationship. I am sorry for making you take this step. Had I not acted like so selfish maybe things would have turned out differently. I always pretended to be brave, someone who has had more experience than you. But the truth is....the truth is that I am nothing in front of you. Everything I wanted to do in my life was to make you happy. I wanted to take a soul-sucking job just so you could happily work for the organization you are so passionate about. I wanted to go to any place you wanted to. I wanted to learn Dutch because you wanted to settle in Denmark. I wanted to enroll into secret Odiya classes and surprise you over the holidays. I wanted to be there for every walk of your life. I wanted to be who you wanted me to be. I wanted you. Just you. 

My whole life just fell into place after you. It's funny how this post changed from him to you. Well, what's the point, this is anonymous blog which I haven't shared with him. So I write this for nobody and everybody. 

I write this for you in front of whom I can never say these things without losing all these words inside my head. That I will always love you. And no matter what my friends say, how much needy I seem, how much powerless I look, I will always wait for you, I will always compare every guy I meet with you, I will always ask them the questions you asked me to see if they will come remotely close to you or not. 

I will miss your dick. The way you trembled whenever I slowly licked it. The way you would breathe heavily when I bit your nipples. The way you put your pain next to my want of fucking you. The way you always asked me how I was doing even before I could tell you. 

No, you weren't just a small chapter in my life. No, you are not some guy unworthy of me. God, I cant write anymore, this is too much..

Friday, July 12, 2013

My Glorious affair with Porn

I love porn. Gay porn. Hardcore bareback gay porn. Hardcore bareback bed-shaking cum-exploding gay porn.

What’s wrong with it? Why am I even bothering with this post about porn? Because sometimes I prefer jacking off to porn than letting my boyfriend give me a blowjob. There! I said it! I don’t know how to explain this. Porn has been in my life since 6th grade! It’s like being with this hot boyfriend who will never let you down and comes in so many varieties.

I am not ashamed to admit that in my 10th grade I had imagined my whole life in my head with Mason Wyler. We had 2 kids, one with his cute smile and my black eyes. The other one with my black hair and his blue eyes. But it didn’t work out. Because he was jealous of this other guy I was friends with who openly admitted to having feelings for me. What could I have done! He was a friend and I just couldn’t quit on our friendship. Then I dumped him (Mason).

Then he happened. Brent Corrigan. I still giggle when I think about him. His first video “School Boy Crush”. Oh Boy! This was in 11th grade. He was a gardener in my home. Oh him! Always gardening shirtless. Whenever I would pass by, he would smile and I would pretend that I didn’t care but inside I would be moaning and imagining my dick sliding slowly inside his ass. And while penetration he would be holding a rose in his mouth. Finally the day came when I was alone at home and he was really tired. I invited him inside on the pretense of offering a cold glass of water but well, we ended up me giving him a cold shower. (Yeah, judge me. I felt like urinating on Brent). Alas! This affair was not meant to last long! I was going to college and he was but a gardener!

I met my third lover in my first year of college. He was everything I dreamt of. Charming, versatile, funny. He was Jimmy Coxxx. At first I didn’t give much attention to his goofy looks but slowly his charm won me over. It was a glorious affair! We even talked about marriage. He wasn’t at all bothered by the fact that Mason and I had 2 kids. In fact they both lovingly called him Po. (Because Kung Fu Panda is their favourite movie, haha, I know, kids.) Little did I know that his obsession for me would turn psychotic. He stabbed one of my friend who he suspected had a crush on me. He even tapped my phone to check up on me. I had to report to the police.

SEE!!! I have such a long history with porn. It’s not just porn, it’s my entire life! I still think (read jack off) to Mason, Brent and Jimmy now.

But wait, who’s this? A friend just told me a guy called Johnny Rapid has been asking around if I am single or not. Oh my life.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

A tale of a Cut Dick and a Tight Hole

Why is Anal sex so fucking hard? Dear readers, I have tried to do it with my boyfriend at least 20 times and as much as I would like to post this on a proctologist’s website, I shall refrain myself from doing so. Everytime we try to do it, FUCKING LORD, it pains so much that I just can NOT fucking do it. I did take the head inside once, and I swear on Gaga’s name, I thought I was gonna shit on my boyfriend’s dick!

One day, I set up the whole room, took a bath, cleaned every fucking hole in my body (inside AND out) and I got a scented candle for god’s sake! Put on a sexy playlist, a drink and you know blah blah. That night I was ready to lose my virginity for good. And guess what? By the end of it I found it so hard to take it in that I started crying “I am going to die a virgin and never have sex in my entire life.” Yeah…..that’s not something what you say when a guy is trying to put his cock inside you. It’s not like I am not attracted to him. I do love him. And once when his face wasn’t enough, I did imagine Justin Timberlake and Chace Crawford and Jimmy Coxxx and Brent Everett and that Teenwolf guy and that Vampire Diairies guy and, well you get it. And this cute junior I have a crush on. Worked to some extent but damn it! I can’t seem to take it in.

Sorry, this post is shit. I just feel like ranting right now. His dick is cut by the way. It’s not that long but it's fine. Its thickness is good though. And I can do magic with my tongue so not everything on the bed goes to waste. Oh whatever, I am gonna go to sleep now and pretend that nothing is wrong with my sex life


P.S. In case you care, the relationship is going good.