Saturday, October 18, 2014

Fucking FUCK!

I write this post out of frustration. Sexual Frustration. Now, before getting further into this frustration, let me just point that I do NOT know what my relationship status is. I don't even know if I am in a relationship or not. I have stopped asking myself such depressing questions. I have only one more semester left in college and don't know where I am heading after it so I am not making any decisions on this front right now. But I am with (?) my ex. Again, as much as cliched and chick-flicky this sounds, let me just summarize it for you by saying - Its complicated. 

Now, ze frustratieon. I am horny. And I don't even say this mildly. I don't get horny just at random moments in the day or night. Or just wet dreams. Or just porn horny. Or just seeing someone hot and horny. I am PERPETUALLY horny. I think about sex all the time. Yes, sometimes even when I am taking a dump. Yes, it's gross. Yes, let's move on. In class. At meals. While listening to someone cry. While whining. While pissing. I am just horny. It is important for me to clarify at this point that being perpetually horny does not mean that I have a perpetual hard on. I do sometimes. Sometimes, I don't.

Oh but I have this (supposed ex Bf who is not ex) person you say? Well guess what, I will very plainly describe this guy who I have known for more than 2 years in a very non-bitchy way. Whenever I try to initiate anything sexual, he stalls it or literally shies away by saying no in a very baby voice. Imagine a baby doing Goo-goo... Imagined? Now imagine a baby saying No in a same voice. Whenever I get anywhere near his penis and try to take his cut dick into my mouth, there is that NO again. Whenever I try to kiss, let's just not even GO there. I don't even remember the last time I kissed. CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT. 

Now. I try to comprehend this situation very rationally. Am I that repulsive to him? Is he sexually attracted to me at all? Well, I have asked him this and he says, No he isnt. (Thank god THIS he didnt say in that goo goo ga ga tone). Is he Asexual? Now, he has told me that he doesn't understand why penetration is such a big deal but he is definitely not asexual. Why is this happening? Do we fight a lot? No, we fight but not a lot. Ugh, I must stink all the time. No, I don't. I take great pains of having a nice shower everyday and scrub every inch of my body. Yes, even my asshole smells of the cranberry shower gel I am using these days. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THE PROBLEM IS! At one hand, I think, Hey! I have this immense level of emotional intimacy which people only in their 30s onwards can claim to have and how looks are just transient and physical attraction goes away but on the other hand I think is it supposed to be like this? We both are in our early 20s and LORD I just want to have hardcore sex! I just want to FUCK and GET FUCKED. I want to see god with a dick inside me touching my prostate and hitting that point while ejaculating. I want to fuck and fucking slam the soul out of the person I am fucking. I see that people who are emotionally attached are physically attracted and willing to have sex with each other at whatever age!

And here I am, surrounded by these fucking good looking straight boys and uselessly fantasizing about them! I jack off 4 times a day now. I jack off to myself being fucked by almost every walking talking crush of mine. I am literally sending anonymous gender neutral mails to these crushes. WHAT LOW HAS MY LIFE COME TO?

And yes, there is grindr and planetromeo. But I DONT want to just hook up for god damn penetration. Yes, penetration is nice but that is not what sex is about for me. I like foreplay. I like holding the person while doing it. I want to get touched. I want to kiss. Oh god. I want to keep kissing. I can fucking kiss all night and not feel tired. 

You know any sane person would tell me if this ex-not-ex-bf tells you that he can't kiss you or give you a blowjob 'because the weather is too sticky', it is time to bitch slap that person and walk the fuck away. I wonder is this why, I am so actively looking for these sexual let outs? Is it too much if I am not fulfilled by this fulfilling emotional attachment? 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Detachments and Dilemmas

Hello people. Well, what I am about to write right now, seems, to me, as the crisis which every person in law school goes through (or possibly I think they do): about what they would want to do after it and how they would want to go about it. I, for one, have made a decision, right now, to get into academics. I want to get deeper into gender and sexuality studies and am looking for places which would help me in achieving that. And being in a country which usually doesn't offer luxurious life to non-corporate interests, it's a hard decision to make.

On top of that, since I have never told my parents about me being gay and much of my passion standing up for LGBT rights stems from my lived experiences; it becomes harder to explain my choice to them. Don't you sometimes feel like screaming at your parents and be like FUCK YOUR OPINION I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT and deep down in your heart think that it would make things easier to deal with had there been some support from the family? I think I have never gone to my parents to talk about any trouble I have with my life. And I say this not just related to something with sexuality, but in general. I always thought that it is going to be much easier to start that detachment at an earlier stage because one day anyway when I come out to them, there is going to be a huge irreparable divide. And I know that one might say, Hey you never know how your parents would react/ a parent would always love their kid no matter what/ blah blah blah. But I just have this immense discomfort with discussing this with my parents. They just won't get it. I came out to my sister at the end of 12th grade and sometime back I came to know that my sister has explicitly told my mother that I am not into girls. Even then, I see my mother prefers to live in denial, never talk about it, ignore it, just invisiblize my entire being. (Not to say that being gay is the only thing that makes an individual). 

Personally, I have come to a position in life where I can engage with people who differ from me in terms of opinions and principles but I just CANNOT for the life of me justify why I am the way I am. I don't think I can calmly explain to my parents that I didn't choose to be gay. (I know some people think its a social construct and having read queer theory I do believe in fluidity in sexuality and how a person keeps discovering and re-inventing their sexuality, but I do feel that I was since birth attracted to men and it's not something which hit me later in life). I don't think I can deal with all the emotional crap of "What will people say!" "How will we show our face to the relatives" And what kills me the most is that shouldn't a parent create that space with the child where he/she can just be comfortable? Just with regard to anything? Not just sexuality, but being able to discuss daily problems, ranting about life, ANYTHING

I mean it's hard enough to be brave in the world. Everyone is out to give you shit and when that happens in home itself, where does on look for that safety? Maybe, the human tendency to look for safety should be examined all together. But there are days where I just want to say FUCK YOU to the world and just go home, lie on my bed, tell mother to make something nice to eat for me, and sleep and watch Avatar the Last Airbender.

I am so fucking directionless at the moment. Relying just on yourself is the motto I have followed but sometimes I do feel that vacuum in my life...

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Oh Daddy.

Hello guys! From what I have seen how people are so dedicated to their blogs, I fucking SUCK. And I was supposed to have a freaking cult following by now. 

Ok, don't get me wrong. I know the title of this piece really throws you off and suggests that I am hungry for some rich dick (Sigh. Aren't we all?) and am trying to fulfill some daddy issues via different means but in past few months I have really started giving it a thought. I know I would be generalizing a bit, but I have met/seen so many guys in their 30s-40s age group who repeatedly date guys my age (DON'T YOU DARE ASK ME MY AGE) and repeatedly fall out of relationship with them and yet keep repeating the process. I know it's a little bit ironic that I am calling guys my age them but please bear with me. But lord! Is it so wrong to have a sugar daddy? There's something about it! I don't know...I get this weird tingly feeling down there (read, a semi erection) whenever I think about moaning 'daddy' while getting fucked. I am so fucking tired of these guys who call themselves 'pure tops'. Shouldn't they know more about sex and technicalities of fucking if they claim to be pure top? I mean, one doesn't just put one finger inside another's ass and just proceed on to fucking shoving their dick inside! We are all not born with Johnny Rapid's ass! My hole is not perpetually ready for a fuck! But a daddy? Oh. No. They would not just take care about sex, but intimacy. They wouldn't care about these silly stupid categories of top and bottom. Ok, again, I know I am generalizing but I speak from experience. All daddies might not be good in bed....I can't believe I am doing this post! Aaaaa! But still I feel so giggly while I write this down. Haha! Being an over-analyzing shit that I am, I feel like I should make certain things clear. 

1. I never had an abusive relationship with my father, which some people might argue may be the reason for me seeking out sugar daddy relationship. So don't give me that psychological theory crap.
2. I never called my father - 'daddy', I have always referred to him as 'papa'. (Now, that I think about it, THANK THE LORD that I didn't)
3. Age has never been an issue for me. In fact I hate guys my age. Is it just me or they just are so painfully vain and dumb and lack ambition!

I stupidly googled sugar daddy and came across Mentoring for Sugar Baby with questions being asked:

Hey, I'am planning to start sugaring here in LA, after reading so many blogs and thinking about it for a while now, but I'm not so sure how to start, What would I write in the seeking arrangement descriptions? Should I use my real name for the whole process? Should I have my photos blurred out at first on the website?

To which our mentor for the site responds:

As far as the perfect profile goes you want to make sure that your profile is creative and it stands out. Make it sound like it's a letter directly towards him.

Golden words ya'all! This will sound really cheap and needy, but I am not really looking for an ultra rich guy who buys anything for me, but I like the idea of it. Fine, I am taking a low paying job because the career I am choosing will not pay me much and still want to maintain the lifestyle that my parents have provided for me. Papa said that he's not giving me even one penny after college, so where art thou daddy? Sheesh, I see what I have written till now and I feel so ashamed of myself. Again, praise the lord for anonymity! Don't worry, I am not changing my grindr profile description to a 'sugar baby' or something. Yuck! I just prefer guys above 27-28 and I look pretty young for my age which automatically puts me in that sort of stereotype. No seriously, I was on a date once and this policeman stopped us and whispered to me secretively, if "the guy was troubling me and holding me against my will". Anyway, hope things are going well at your side!

Until next time.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Straight guys are the enemy

Sorry for being so MIA, I just never got around to writing much. Whenever I felt like writing, I guess I was just too lazy...I would just stare at my Tumblr home page for hours! Seriously, Tumblr is fucking awesome. Well I have been doing well mostly. Always buried in some work or the other. Left with one more year in the college. The reason I am writing this entry is because I really wanted to share what happened with me last night.

Almost a year back, someone had put a homophobic note on my door saying that 'I shouldn't indulge in indecent activities'. It was actually much more and was in Hindi, I am just diluting the language. It was anonymous ofcourse. It was a shit time. The hardest thing for me was to put up a strong face in front of everyone when I was shattered inside. A guy (who is my immediate senior and to whom I have never spoken to my entire life) spoke to my boyfriend then and said that he doesn't know who put up that chit but he sincerely apologizes from behalf of his batch, if ever it is one of them. And this touched me a lot. Obviously it would. It was a very nice thing for him to say and at that moment it did make a difference you know. When everything around me was just melting down and the reality of homophobia had actually hit me in my face, it did matter.

Yesterday, there was a customary party which the senior most batch throws to the entire college in the hostel and essentially includes unlimited alcohol, smokes and EVERYTHING. So I was there and surprisingly quite sober and saw this person and decided to thank him for what he said. 

I went up to him and the moment I started speaking, he started moving away. Like I was coming on to him. He was with a friend of his (also his batchmate) and started putting him infront as if some sort of shield. (!!) And this was happening while I was kinda speaking my heart out to him. It just hit me then. This is what it would all come down to. Everytime. I would be this creepy gay guy, no matter what I say or do and this is what I would perceived.

Now, before you just tell me to shut the fuck up and say that how could I even bother myself with such mundane things, I just want to say that I usually don't. But in that moment I realized how I have normalized such stigma in my life, no matter how subtle or blatant it is! Here I was, thanking the guy for what he said and he was fucking hiding behind another guy who was looking at me with a mocking expression. That me just being there made him so uncomfortable, that this person just assumed that since I am there, I would be coming on to him, make a move on him. Now that I think back on it, would it have mattered to me if this was just another person? Maybe I am disturbed by this because of the relevance of what he said. Maybe. Maybe not. 

I felt so fucking lonely in that moment. Trying to wear my heart on my sleeves...god, that image just keeps repeating itself in my head! The way he started moving backward, the way he just jumped behind his friend, the way his friend started laughing. It's not like they were even being subtle about it. I try to be indifferent to lot of situations in my life but it does hurts sometimes you know. I am human after all. This pretentious tolerance in the campus and how in these moments the truth just blurts out by people's actions and reactions. 

First of all, WHY THE FUCK DO STRAIGHT GUYS THINK THAT EVERY GAY GUY IS AFTER THEM! I just wanted to slap him then and tell him, Honey you aren't that good looking. 

P.S. Please don't think that I am hating on every man that there is, I know that there are good people too. 

To every straight guys who thinks that we are making a move on them JUST BECAUSE OF THE SOLE REASON that they are straight and we are gay: