Sunday, April 20, 2014
Sorry for being so MIA, I just never got around to writing much. Whenever I felt like writing, I guess I was just too lazy...I would just stare at my Tumblr home page for hours! Seriously, Tumblr is fucking awesome. Well I have been doing well mostly. Always buried in some work or the other. Left with one more year in the college. The reason I am writing this entry is because I really wanted to share what happened with me last night.
Almost a year back, someone had put a homophobic note on my door saying that 'I shouldn't indulge in indecent activities'. It was actually much more and was in Hindi, I am just diluting the language. It was anonymous ofcourse. It was a shit time. The hardest thing for me was to put up a strong face in front of everyone when I was shattered inside. A guy (who is my immediate senior and to whom I have never spoken to my entire life) spoke to my boyfriend then and said that he doesn't know who put up that chit but he sincerely apologizes from behalf of his batch, if ever it is one of them. And this touched me a lot. Obviously it would. It was a very nice thing for him to say and at that moment it did make a difference you know. When everything around me was just melting down and the reality of homophobia had actually hit me in my face, it did matter.
Yesterday, there was a customary party which the senior most batch throws to the entire college in the hostel and essentially includes unlimited alcohol, smokes and EVERYTHING. So I was there and surprisingly quite sober and saw this person and decided to thank him for what he said.
I went up to him and the moment I started speaking, he started moving away. Like I was coming on to him. He was with a friend of his (also his batchmate) and started putting him infront as if some sort of shield. (!!) And this was happening while I was kinda speaking my heart out to him. It just hit me then. This is what it would all come down to. Everytime. I would be this creepy gay guy, no matter what I say or do and this is what I would perceived.
Now, before you just tell me to shut the fuck up and say that how could I even bother myself with such mundane things, I just want to say that I usually don't. But in that moment I realized how I have normalized such stigma in my life, no matter how subtle or blatant it is! Here I was, thanking the guy for what he said and he was fucking hiding behind another guy who was looking at me with a mocking expression. That me just being there made him so uncomfortable, that this person just assumed that since I am there, I would be coming on to him, make a move on him. Now that I think back on it, would it have mattered to me if this was just another person? Maybe I am disturbed by this because of the relevance of what he said. Maybe. Maybe not.
I felt so fucking lonely in that moment. Trying to wear my heart on my sleeves...god, that image just keeps repeating itself in my head! The way he started moving backward, the way he just jumped behind his friend, the way his friend started laughing. It's not like they were even being subtle about it. I try to be indifferent to lot of situations in my life but it does hurts sometimes you know. I am human after all. This pretentious tolerance in the campus and how in these moments the truth just blurts out by people's actions and reactions.
First of all, WHY THE FUCK DO STRAIGHT GUYS THINK THAT EVERY GAY GUY IS AFTER THEM! I just wanted to slap him then and tell him, Honey you aren't that good looking.
P.S. Please don't think that I am hating on every man that there is, I know that there are good people too.
To every straight guys who thinks that we are making a move on them JUST BECAUSE OF THE SOLE REASON that they are straight and we are gay: