Saturday, October 18, 2014

Fucking FUCK!

I write this post out of frustration. Sexual Frustration. Now, before getting further into this frustration, let me just point that I do NOT know what my relationship status is. I don't even know if I am in a relationship or not. I have stopped asking myself such depressing questions. I have only one more semester left in college and don't know where I am heading after it so I am not making any decisions on this front right now. But I am with (?) my ex. Again, as much as cliched and chick-flicky this sounds, let me just summarize it for you by saying - Its complicated. 

Now, ze frustratieon. I am horny. And I don't even say this mildly. I don't get horny just at random moments in the day or night. Or just wet dreams. Or just porn horny. Or just seeing someone hot and horny. I am PERPETUALLY horny. I think about sex all the time. Yes, sometimes even when I am taking a dump. Yes, it's gross. Yes, let's move on. In class. At meals. While listening to someone cry. While whining. While pissing. I am just horny. It is important for me to clarify at this point that being perpetually horny does not mean that I have a perpetual hard on. I do sometimes. Sometimes, I don't.

Oh but I have this (supposed ex Bf who is not ex) person you say? Well guess what, I will very plainly describe this guy who I have known for more than 2 years in a very non-bitchy way. Whenever I try to initiate anything sexual, he stalls it or literally shies away by saying no in a very baby voice. Imagine a baby doing Goo-goo... Imagined? Now imagine a baby saying No in a same voice. Whenever I get anywhere near his penis and try to take his cut dick into my mouth, there is that NO again. Whenever I try to kiss, let's just not even GO there. I don't even remember the last time I kissed. CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT. 

Now. I try to comprehend this situation very rationally. Am I that repulsive to him? Is he sexually attracted to me at all? Well, I have asked him this and he says, No he isnt. (Thank god THIS he didnt say in that goo goo ga ga tone). Is he Asexual? Now, he has told me that he doesn't understand why penetration is such a big deal but he is definitely not asexual. Why is this happening? Do we fight a lot? No, we fight but not a lot. Ugh, I must stink all the time. No, I don't. I take great pains of having a nice shower everyday and scrub every inch of my body. Yes, even my asshole smells of the cranberry shower gel I am using these days. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THE PROBLEM IS! At one hand, I think, Hey! I have this immense level of emotional intimacy which people only in their 30s onwards can claim to have and how looks are just transient and physical attraction goes away but on the other hand I think is it supposed to be like this? We both are in our early 20s and LORD I just want to have hardcore sex! I just want to FUCK and GET FUCKED. I want to see god with a dick inside me touching my prostate and hitting that point while ejaculating. I want to fuck and fucking slam the soul out of the person I am fucking. I see that people who are emotionally attached are physically attracted and willing to have sex with each other at whatever age!

And here I am, surrounded by these fucking good looking straight boys and uselessly fantasizing about them! I jack off 4 times a day now. I jack off to myself being fucked by almost every walking talking crush of mine. I am literally sending anonymous gender neutral mails to these crushes. WHAT LOW HAS MY LIFE COME TO?

And yes, there is grindr and planetromeo. But I DONT want to just hook up for god damn penetration. Yes, penetration is nice but that is not what sex is about for me. I like foreplay. I like holding the person while doing it. I want to get touched. I want to kiss. Oh god. I want to keep kissing. I can fucking kiss all night and not feel tired. 

You know any sane person would tell me if this ex-not-ex-bf tells you that he can't kiss you or give you a blowjob 'because the weather is too sticky', it is time to bitch slap that person and walk the fuck away. I wonder is this why, I am so actively looking for these sexual let outs? Is it too much if I am not fulfilled by this fulfilling emotional attachment? 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Detachments and Dilemmas

Hello people. Well, what I am about to write right now, seems, to me, as the crisis which every person in law school goes through (or possibly I think they do): about what they would want to do after it and how they would want to go about it. I, for one, have made a decision, right now, to get into academics. I want to get deeper into gender and sexuality studies and am looking for places which would help me in achieving that. And being in a country which usually doesn't offer luxurious life to non-corporate interests, it's a hard decision to make.

On top of that, since I have never told my parents about me being gay and much of my passion standing up for LGBT rights stems from my lived experiences; it becomes harder to explain my choice to them. Don't you sometimes feel like screaming at your parents and be like FUCK YOUR OPINION I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT and deep down in your heart think that it would make things easier to deal with had there been some support from the family? I think I have never gone to my parents to talk about any trouble I have with my life. And I say this not just related to something with sexuality, but in general. I always thought that it is going to be much easier to start that detachment at an earlier stage because one day anyway when I come out to them, there is going to be a huge irreparable divide. And I know that one might say, Hey you never know how your parents would react/ a parent would always love their kid no matter what/ blah blah blah. But I just have this immense discomfort with discussing this with my parents. They just won't get it. I came out to my sister at the end of 12th grade and sometime back I came to know that my sister has explicitly told my mother that I am not into girls. Even then, I see my mother prefers to live in denial, never talk about it, ignore it, just invisiblize my entire being. (Not to say that being gay is the only thing that makes an individual). 

Personally, I have come to a position in life where I can engage with people who differ from me in terms of opinions and principles but I just CANNOT for the life of me justify why I am the way I am. I don't think I can calmly explain to my parents that I didn't choose to be gay. (I know some people think its a social construct and having read queer theory I do believe in fluidity in sexuality and how a person keeps discovering and re-inventing their sexuality, but I do feel that I was since birth attracted to men and it's not something which hit me later in life). I don't think I can deal with all the emotional crap of "What will people say!" "How will we show our face to the relatives" And what kills me the most is that shouldn't a parent create that space with the child where he/she can just be comfortable? Just with regard to anything? Not just sexuality, but being able to discuss daily problems, ranting about life, ANYTHING

I mean it's hard enough to be brave in the world. Everyone is out to give you shit and when that happens in home itself, where does on look for that safety? Maybe, the human tendency to look for safety should be examined all together. But there are days where I just want to say FUCK YOU to the world and just go home, lie on my bed, tell mother to make something nice to eat for me, and sleep and watch Avatar the Last Airbender.

I am so fucking directionless at the moment. Relying just on yourself is the motto I have followed but sometimes I do feel that vacuum in my life...