Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Detachments and Dilemmas

Hello people. Well, what I am about to write right now, seems, to me, as the crisis which every person in law school goes through (or possibly I think they do): about what they would want to do after it and how they would want to go about it. I, for one, have made a decision, right now, to get into academics. I want to get deeper into gender and sexuality studies and am looking for places which would help me in achieving that. And being in a country which usually doesn't offer luxurious life to non-corporate interests, it's a hard decision to make.

On top of that, since I have never told my parents about me being gay and much of my passion standing up for LGBT rights stems from my lived experiences; it becomes harder to explain my choice to them. Don't you sometimes feel like screaming at your parents and be like FUCK YOUR OPINION I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT and deep down in your heart think that it would make things easier to deal with had there been some support from the family? I think I have never gone to my parents to talk about any trouble I have with my life. And I say this not just related to something with sexuality, but in general. I always thought that it is going to be much easier to start that detachment at an earlier stage because one day anyway when I come out to them, there is going to be a huge irreparable divide. And I know that one might say, Hey you never know how your parents would react/ a parent would always love their kid no matter what/ blah blah blah. But I just have this immense discomfort with discussing this with my parents. They just won't get it. I came out to my sister at the end of 12th grade and sometime back I came to know that my sister has explicitly told my mother that I am not into girls. Even then, I see my mother prefers to live in denial, never talk about it, ignore it, just invisiblize my entire being. (Not to say that being gay is the only thing that makes an individual). 

Personally, I have come to a position in life where I can engage with people who differ from me in terms of opinions and principles but I just CANNOT for the life of me justify why I am the way I am. I don't think I can calmly explain to my parents that I didn't choose to be gay. (I know some people think its a social construct and having read queer theory I do believe in fluidity in sexuality and how a person keeps discovering and re-inventing their sexuality, but I do feel that I was since birth attracted to men and it's not something which hit me later in life). I don't think I can deal with all the emotional crap of "What will people say!" "How will we show our face to the relatives" And what kills me the most is that shouldn't a parent create that space with the child where he/she can just be comfortable? Just with regard to anything? Not just sexuality, but being able to discuss daily problems, ranting about life, ANYTHING

I mean it's hard enough to be brave in the world. Everyone is out to give you shit and when that happens in home itself, where does on look for that safety? Maybe, the human tendency to look for safety should be examined all together. But there are days where I just want to say FUCK YOU to the world and just go home, lie on my bed, tell mother to make something nice to eat for me, and sleep and watch Avatar the Last Airbender.

I am so fucking directionless at the moment. Relying just on yourself is the motto I have followed but sometimes I do feel that vacuum in my life...

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