Saturday, October 18, 2014

Fucking FUCK!

I write this post out of frustration. Sexual Frustration. Now, before getting further into this frustration, let me just point that I do NOT know what my relationship status is. I don't even know if I am in a relationship or not. I have stopped asking myself such depressing questions. I have only one more semester left in college and don't know where I am heading after it so I am not making any decisions on this front right now. But I am with (?) my ex. Again, as much as cliched and chick-flicky this sounds, let me just summarize it for you by saying - Its complicated. 

Now, ze frustratieon. I am horny. And I don't even say this mildly. I don't get horny just at random moments in the day or night. Or just wet dreams. Or just porn horny. Or just seeing someone hot and horny. I am PERPETUALLY horny. I think about sex all the time. Yes, sometimes even when I am taking a dump. Yes, it's gross. Yes, let's move on. In class. At meals. While listening to someone cry. While whining. While pissing. I am just horny. It is important for me to clarify at this point that being perpetually horny does not mean that I have a perpetual hard on. I do sometimes. Sometimes, I don't.

Oh but I have this (supposed ex Bf who is not ex) person you say? Well guess what, I will very plainly describe this guy who I have known for more than 2 years in a very non-bitchy way. Whenever I try to initiate anything sexual, he stalls it or literally shies away by saying no in a very baby voice. Imagine a baby doing Goo-goo... Imagined? Now imagine a baby saying No in a same voice. Whenever I get anywhere near his penis and try to take his cut dick into my mouth, there is that NO again. Whenever I try to kiss, let's just not even GO there. I don't even remember the last time I kissed. CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT. 

Now. I try to comprehend this situation very rationally. Am I that repulsive to him? Is he sexually attracted to me at all? Well, I have asked him this and he says, No he isnt. (Thank god THIS he didnt say in that goo goo ga ga tone). Is he Asexual? Now, he has told me that he doesn't understand why penetration is such a big deal but he is definitely not asexual. Why is this happening? Do we fight a lot? No, we fight but not a lot. Ugh, I must stink all the time. No, I don't. I take great pains of having a nice shower everyday and scrub every inch of my body. Yes, even my asshole smells of the cranberry shower gel I am using these days. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THE PROBLEM IS! At one hand, I think, Hey! I have this immense level of emotional intimacy which people only in their 30s onwards can claim to have and how looks are just transient and physical attraction goes away but on the other hand I think is it supposed to be like this? We both are in our early 20s and LORD I just want to have hardcore sex! I just want to FUCK and GET FUCKED. I want to see god with a dick inside me touching my prostate and hitting that point while ejaculating. I want to fuck and fucking slam the soul out of the person I am fucking. I see that people who are emotionally attached are physically attracted and willing to have sex with each other at whatever age!

And here I am, surrounded by these fucking good looking straight boys and uselessly fantasizing about them! I jack off 4 times a day now. I jack off to myself being fucked by almost every walking talking crush of mine. I am literally sending anonymous gender neutral mails to these crushes. WHAT LOW HAS MY LIFE COME TO?

And yes, there is grindr and planetromeo. But I DONT want to just hook up for god damn penetration. Yes, penetration is nice but that is not what sex is about for me. I like foreplay. I like holding the person while doing it. I want to get touched. I want to kiss. Oh god. I want to keep kissing. I can fucking kiss all night and not feel tired. 

You know any sane person would tell me if this ex-not-ex-bf tells you that he can't kiss you or give you a blowjob 'because the weather is too sticky', it is time to bitch slap that person and walk the fuck away. I wonder is this why, I am so actively looking for these sexual let outs? Is it too much if I am not fulfilled by this fulfilling emotional attachment? 


4 comments:

  1. I think sex is overrated but important. Try and spice things up maybe? Candles, sexy music ; maybe start slowly , ask him what he wants and try that out maybe. Thats what I did when my boyfriend started getting bored.

    All the best!

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    1. Sigh. Tried it all. I am so tired of asking. My bdsm fantasies are going down the drain!

      But thanks for the advice :)

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  2. You should give some credit to the Punju factor for your horniness
    Yes, I am a racist, move on!!!
    Damn, this post shows how horny you were, you could have fucked a cow even and for a week!!!
    But this post also shows that you haven't got your type of MEN!!! was hyderabad so bad??? haven't you been to mumbai???
    I mean for most of my life i have had what you wished to happen with you and to an extent i got bored with night long kisses until i came back to delhi and realized that mumbai was heaven!!!!
    Having sex while taking a dunk is not gross so long the washroom is clean.
    Been there done that, actually it was after the dunk and i was about to get up but i had not flushed. Does it count?

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    Replies
    1. Oh I am STILL that horny. Just I have learnt to control it!

      And ew Sagar. EEEWWWWWWWW!!!

      Delete