Exactly how I would feel more comfortable blowing a guy with me bending down. It is something I would never do in full light because I would be constantly worried about how the guy I am with would not like what he is seeing. Or me always choosing to be on top while getting fucked or choose to be missionary while fucking. It has always got to do with how this or that part of my body shouldn't be highlighted while I am having sex. It's funny how this post started with the tone of 'that mother fucking put the lights out' to something which happens completely on my personal terms too.
I wouldn't be the first person in this world to admit that I have had body image issues. I was a healthy kid until my mother claims, 'jab maine tujhe khilana chhod diya' (the moment I stopped making you eat food). I have grown up in my immediate and extended family constantly hearing one god-fucking-damning ground breaking and extremely compelling question! Why am I so skinny! The shame that I am NEEDED to feel with my body was being thrown at me in
Lot of that darkness has also got to do with bringing that public secrecy to into the bed. How it is easier to deal with this sexual act in the fold of invisibility. It does make things easier, doesn't it? When you don't have to be constantly worrying about your body looking mis-shapen. I am also aware how extremely offensive such reactions are to a disabled individual. But this is something I have been fighting since a long long time. I am trying to become (more) comfortable with my body and not aspiring towards a particular form of body type. This silly assumption how everything in life would just becomes better if I reach that particular body goal. Ugh. What is wrong with me.