Friday, June 19, 2015

Turn the lights off

I have always imagined that I have had a very diverse range of boys men in bed with me. No, I am not going to list down their races or ethnicity or their dick sizes (wait..I think I have already done that before). But recently, it just hit me. There is something which just runs common to all of them. Before you start speculating some recurring sexual position that I would be propounding on, let me stop you right there. What I am talking about is how every time, yes, EVERY SINGLE TIME, the person I was with had always insisted on turning the lights off. Or blinding the curtains. Or Shutting the window. Or put on an Invisibility Cloak. You have it.  

There is a song by Lady Gaga called Dance in the Dark in which she says, "Baby, loves to dance in the dark. Cause when he's looking she falls apart". It spoke of the insecurity that this woman has with her body. So conscious she is of her body, so uncomfortable she is with her body, that she would physically and emotionally fall apart when she would be met with the man's gaze. So the only way to fully exercise her control over her sexuality is in the dark. 

Exactly how I would feel more comfortable blowing a guy with me bending down. It is something I would never do in full light because I would be constantly worried about how the guy I am with would not like what he is seeing. Or me always choosing to be on top while getting fucked or choose to be missionary while fucking. It has always got to do with how this or that part of my body shouldn't be highlighted while I am having sex. It's funny how this post started with the tone of 'that mother fucking put the lights out' to something which happens completely on my personal terms too. 

I wouldn't be the first person in this world to admit that I have had body image issues. I was a healthy kid until my mother claims, 'jab maine tujhe khilana chhod diya' (the moment I stopped making you eat food). I have grown up in my immediate and extended family constantly hearing one god-fucking-damning ground breaking and extremely compelling question! Why am I so skinny! The shame that I am NEEDED to feel with my body was being thrown at me in various too many sentences and forms. Be it my mother telling me that she wouldn't take me to a marriage ceremony with her because 'what would people say when they see such a skinny lad!' Or my house helper looking at me and asking me very genuinely, 'don't I feel sharam (shame) when I look at myself in the mirror?' Well long story short, whenever I am in bed with a person, and the lights would go off, I did feel a sense of ease. My body would instantly react to another person's body when we would be engulfed by darkness. I would feel my muscles relaxing, enjoying foreplay more, imagining my body to look the certain way to the other person, And ALL because the dark would give me an unexplained agency over the situation. 

Lot of that darkness has also got to do with bringing that public secrecy to into the bed. How it is easier to deal with this sexual act in the fold of invisibility. It does make things easier, doesn't it? When you don't have to be constantly worrying about your body looking mis-shapen. I am also aware how extremely offensive such reactions are to a disabled individual. But this is something I have been fighting since a long long time. I am trying to become (more) comfortable with my body and not aspiring towards a particular form of body type. This silly assumption how everything in life would just becomes better if I reach that particular body goal. Ugh. What is wrong with me. 



4 comments:

  1. A couple of guys I had sex with tends to do this too. I like it dark too sometimes but since I'm wearing glasses it's become a whole lot difficult to see anything really. I suppose you can try once or twice having it in light to help you cope with your body. I have issues with mine too, particularly some scars that I can't get rid of from young age, but having sex in lights and making the other person happy with my sex skills always give me the joy of having whatever body and skin I am in :)

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    Replies
    1. Come to think of it...I have never had sex with someone who has worn glasses..hmmm
      Yeah, I am slowly beginning to try it with the lights. Trying to take control of the situation.

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  2. Come to think of it, only my first time was done in the dark. All other times in full light.

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