Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Fucked Up Intimacies

Everyone keeps talking about how great open relationship really is. Yes it is. 

In case you were wondering that this post was going to be me bitching about open relationships, it isn't. 

However, I do want to talk about what the most difficult part for me has been...being in an open relationship. It's been my tussle with figuring out intimacies. One thing that I have always been very clear in my head about before going into bed with anyone is that I can NOT get it up without being intimate with the other person. By intimacy I don't mean showering 'I love you's' or 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you' (thinking of which I have said 'I love you' to barely 5 people in my life) but requiring a minimum level of attachment with the other person. It could perhaps be me being attracted to the way he smells, or how intelligent he is, or good to talk to. I can not do anything without talking to the other person for some good time (which may stretch from 3 hours to 3 months).

Intimacy for me that does not really happen instantly, but something that develops. I don't really think I have a threshold of time against which I judge my each experience but I don't really have any particular sense of time that I ascribe as a pre-requisite for being...you know...there...fully. 

Few weeks back, I 'thought' (I don't know felt? experienced? felt hard at the thought of? wanted to suck his cock?), I felt a little bit *too* intimate with a guy. I liked the way he smelled, we have been talking since more than a year, I don't really know much about him, but something....SOMETHING about him, made me want to explore the possibility of being intimate, more than the usual that is. The problem, as has been since FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL WITH EVERY GUY THAT I FALL FOR is that he wasn't interested. 

But this incident got me thinking, am I really okay with loving more than one person? Yes, I do have really intimate moments with guys who I occasionally sleep with but what the fuck does this even mean? I think I also have the capability of living in illusions. For instance, how fleeting these moments of intimacies really are! YOU might think that you are having such a wonderful time in bed or having an excellent date with the other person but they might just be having a really average time or well, counting the minutes the hell gets over for them. And whenever I DO get intimate, I feel so exposed. It's like I am giving some part of me away.

And I don't think guys generally know how to deal with those moments. I have had guys completely ignore me after that because they just couldn't handle that kind of relationship without the tag of 'boyfriend' or guys repeatedly telling me 'I love you' because the level of affection and being there would just not be possible in a casual(?) moment. 

Where does that leave me? Because I genuinely DO want to explore these moments more. Without having to worry about being asked out for a serious committed relationship. Would it always be, that you are in it for all or nothing at all? Or just nameless senseless fucking? I mean these hook up apps are what we make of them right? Not just One night stands? Or gossip columns of who is sleeping with whom? 

Now I find it completely impossible to suck someone's cock and not look at them. It's just really powerful. To have someone's dick in your mouth and feel like you are in control of their entire body's movement. And see that sense of submission and/or lust in their eyes. Or to be fucked or fuck someone in missionary position and not be looking at their fucking forehead. To fucking look into their eyes and tell them to let themselves loose. To fucking give in and look at me in the eyes! Or to not just move from one act of foreplay to the next but actually enjoy being with each other in bed. To feel each other bodies. To not just smell each other but lick that fucking smell out of each other and taste it in each other's tongues. 

Well, to summarize, my time being all independent and in control of my life (I dont think I am, I just pretend that I am so that I can sleep at night) is not really that great. Because men in this fucking city only want to fuck for recreational purposes or to 'bust some stress'. Damnit I don't want to fuck for the sake of fucking. I want to enjoy it. 

I want to sign off (does anyone really reads this blog...) with something I had written for this group on FB called...oh wait...I'll be giving away my anonymity then..anyway..here it is.


"His eyes never left his face. He wanted to stare into his eyes. To assure himself that the depth of that desire ....of that longing wasn't just in him. He repeatedly felt his lips.His fingers, hungry, discovered every inch of that eyebrow, ears, nose. He was ready to expose his vulnerabilities. He was ready to lose himself.
.
.
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Lying down, all he wanted was to forget. To forget that he could never fall in love again. To forget that he could never find himself through someone else. Looking would betray his thoughts. Looking would make him remember. Looking would be.....intimate. So he didn't.
.
.
.
'I had a good time'
'Yeah me too'
'See you soon then?'
'Yes. Of course'
.
.
.
And in that moment when he looked anywhere but his eyes, he knew.
.
He knew how fleeting moments of intimacies are. 
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He decided never take the step to expose himself again.
.
.
.
'Well, goodbye then......'"

23 comments:

  1. I doubt that you'll get someone who share the same feeling from those pathetic apps. People become aware that they have plenty of options and they don't need this emotional tag to hump someone.

    You see, I'd try not to brag but I've been in a great intimate relationship. I found him accidentally via a mutual spiritual congregation. He was so innocent, genuine that he didn't even know the terms like Top and bottom. He just wanted to love me and I had to teach him how!!

    I guess, if you really feel this way then please don't hang in there otherwise you'll end up being the same!! If you don't believe me then take a try to remember your former self and current one... Are you happy with this transformation? I hope not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much Anon! And yes...I think I am quite happy with the transformation....

      And please do give me details of this spiritual congregation! :P

      Delete
  2. Please don't stop blogging, I am actually a religious reader. Also, I am going to anonymously nudge you and let you know that we'd be perfect together, sigh.

    Happy New Year.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your post is very interesting to me, as I seem to the the exact opposite!

    For me intimacy kills the sexual thrill. I am intimate with my family. I am intimate with my friends. I'm intimate with my coworkers.

    I discovered "hooking up" quite late in life. Totally lacking in intimacy, and totally thrilling sexually. In a very short time span, I think I cultivated the separation between intimacy and sex. And now, I'm paying the price.

    I'm not saying I would do anything different if I had a second chance, but I wish I could figure out a way to reconcile the two.

    Within the last year and a half, I started dating someone. I really wasn't looking for a boyfriend, I just wanted the dating experience. That was something new for me. Things went well, and we are still together. We are very intimate, and the sex is great. The best I've ever had.

    The problem is that I don't orgasm. It's so frustrating. I never have trouble climaxing when getting head from some random stranger, but having sex with my partner, which feels better than anything, rarely results in orgasm. But, I must say, the few times that it happens, it is truly earth shaking.

    So, it's interesting to hear from your perspective, the complete opposite of me. Although I wouldn't trade your problem for mine.

    Wouldn't it be nice if we could both be in the middle somewhere?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But you orgasm otherwise? In circumstances where you have distinguished the sex and intimacy I mean?

      Delete
    2. I have no problem with orgasm, by jacking off, or getting head from just about anyone else. In fact, the more random and unknown the guy giving me head, the faster I cum.

      And here is the truly fucked up part, is that the guy I'm dating gives better head than any of them. Almost TOO good.

      And I'm not saying it NEVER happens. We fucked on Saturday morning. I didn't cum. We fucked Sunday morning, I didn't cum. He sucked me off Sunday afternoon, I cummed BIG TIME, and was weak in the knees for several minutes afterwards.

      This shit be crazy!

      Delete
    3. There IS definitely fascination with achieving that 'extra mile' with strangers :P

      Delete
  4. I hate you man!! Its been over a month and you haven't written a single fuckin post. Where are you? Busy with anyone in intimacy? ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Anon. Sorry! Been really caught up with work. But I write here only when I am inspired to write....and it's been a while since I got any inspiration

      But good to know that you read my stuff!! :)

      Delete
  5. A constant source of worry, this intimacy. A part of the reason I fear stepping out, I mean, by the app.

    And crazy fan-following, desi! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha thanks you!!! And you write something too! Its been too long!

      And just trust yourself. Don't worry about the stepping out too much *kisses

      Delete
  6. Bro, just a piece of advice. It seems incongruous that you want to be anon while at the same time you link this blog from your twitter feed, where your name is publicly visible.

    Just letting you know that it's very easy to piece 2 and 2 together.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Anon!

      I started anonymous back in 2010 and now I don't care. :)

      I have linked this blog to my twitter as well as instagram

      Delete
    2. Haha! Well that's awesome. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter, is the seuss-ism to follow, I say!

      Keep up with your blog. :)

      Delete
  7. Aah. Hum "Der aaye, lekin durust aaye" :)

    Such an enigmatic thing the idea of intimacy is. Over the years, I have acquired out the ability to connect with everyone intimately, on as well as off bed. Strangely, instead of looking to receive something for myself, I found it is much easier and much more liberating to be intimate in a way that the other person feels comfortable about themselves, shredding the layers of insecurity and artifice acquired over time.
    But on the flip side, many fall for it as love and there lies the conundrum :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha. You have been off your blog since so long! Post more!

      Yeah I agree. I think one needs to not seek that idea of love all the time. And by that I dont mean give up on love, but to have a certain image of love. It's almost like you are in it for good or nothing at all.

      Delete
  8. Enough mann!!

    How much time are you gonna take for that inspiration to come?

    Write another post, goddamn it!!!! :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww this comment makes me feel so nice! I shall write one in few days :)

      Delete
    2. Days or fucking centuries? How bloody long man!! Tell me about the people you've had sex with; tell me about the pornstar you like; tell me if you really enjoy the sex? ( being a submissive one, i know I don't)
      Just tell me something.

      Delete
    3. Now I am super curious to know who you are Anon! Do we know each other in person? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to

      Delete
    4. Nahh... We don't. At least not yet!!

      What about this things I said? Write something man!

      Delete