|Forever and always 💔|
Monday, April 23, 2018
Do you ever just get tired of repeating the same patterns in your life fully knowing how stupid and fucked up they are? Ok, I am SURE I am not the first non-hetero to have fallen for straight boys/men. God knows I survived 2 years of my high school by imagining Twilight to be my life. You remember that scene? When Bella is sitting for lunch and she sees Edward for the first time? When he enters? I used to re-live that scene again and again in my head, with Gaga's Starstruck playing in the back. Imagining one of my batch mates as Edward Cullen (lol, don't judge), only to be told, in reality, that I will never be his Bella :(
So the thing is that I DID stop wasting my time and efforts on straight boys, particularly post two very idiotic episodes in college. Long story short: I thought I was 'in love' with a boy who obviously didn't reciprocate. He started dating a good friend of mine and stupidly, in jealousy and out of million insecurities I cut off that friend from my life. (Don't worry I did apologize to her and promised that I WILL NEVER LET MEN GET IN THE WAY OF MY FRIENDSHIPS!!!!! This apology happened 3 years after me cutting her off, but who cares! We all make mistakes!) Then in my final year of college, I got sexually involved with another straight(?) batch mate, who was one of my (ex) friends' then boyfriend. Mostly, this involved us meeting in secret, late night in the boy's hostel and me choking on his dick. All I remember is that his dick was small (and I think one of the reasons for him being overtly aggressive and constantly getting into fist fights with people) and that it used to smell of Lifebuoy soap. He wanted to fuck me and there was only so much I would cheat on my (then) boyfriend. (yes, I am a terrible person, so fuck you too). Later he turned abusive and harassy and lot of people never believed a word of it because he was a man's man you know? But I digress!
After hooking up with this boy, I discovered a thing about myself which I hadn't really recognised before. I had a kink for my female friends' boyfriends. And of course, I have psychoanalysed this trait to death. This could be because I could never really get any crush of mine, who would mostly be straight men, to desire me back. It could be because generally straight men would rarely figure out in my social/friend circles and these boyfriends would be the only ones I would actually interact with. I don't know. But I started living in this perverted (or not so perverted) fantasies of sharing these boyfriends? This sharing wouldn't involve the nonsense straight couple do everyday though. I can't do these random calls asking for each other's health, or whether the other person has eaten yet or not. Even if this was all happening in my head! Yuck. It would mean me checking out their dick pics, vicariously having sex with them by discussing each and every detail of my girlfriends' sex life, me pretending to care about these boy's life ambitions and family problems and giving my support here and there, passing a mutual nod in the corridors of boy's hostel but only looking in their direction when they are only in their towels stepping out of their rooms for a bath. For the ones who were in a 'long distance relationship', I would obsessively stalk them, try starting a conversation with them, look for excuses to establish some bro connections with them. I knew that that there was zero possibility of maintaining any relationship with these boys had it not been for their relationships with my female friends. They weren't obligated to stand up for me in their own bro circles, or stop others from making fun of me. And I never expected them to.
Thankfully, now, I have a little self-dignity in life. Or atleast I pretend to. I have stopped leching after these stupid boys. Ok I am kidding. I haven't. Lelz. What is it about emotionally unavailable straight men that just gives me the biggest hard on? Lately I have started unfriending/unfollowing men who my friends have a fall out with. Why do they deserve my time? Why should I fuel their egos? Why should I validate their existence! I am also tired of just intellectualising every experience in life to reconcile with how fucked up these situations make me feel. Rationalising my behaviour or analysing straight men's refusal to understand queerness is not going to help. Because I thought that I am becoming my high school/college old self again, I started making myself believe that hey! I am not just desiring them because they are my friends' boyfriends. I like them because they are actually interesting people! No.
I just feel tired. Of constantly making the same mistake again and again, of desiring these men. Which essentially just translates to desiring loneliness. I feel stupid for feeling joy whenever my friends tell me that their boyfriend(s) ask about me. I feel like an idiot for feeling nervous whenever my friends discuss possibility of getting back together with these stupid men because in my head, I feel like I am getting another chance with them too. Ugh. And we all know how stupid straight men's chest suddenly fucking swells up because gay guys are hitting on them. Anyway, I don't really have a solution to this problem. I mean....is it even a problem? Perhaps it's fine to be motivated by fantasies? Perhaps it's okay to have non-reciprocated relationships as long as you can control the extent of it?
God, I feel like reading Twilight again!