Thursday, November 15, 2018

Survival by Touch & the Touch of Dildo

My journey with choosing the right Dildo has been a strenuous one. From laughing at tiny yellow colored rocket machines held together with cello-tape in Fort, Mumbai to funny smelling ones in Palika Bazaar, Delhi (rumor in the market was that most dildos were already used!) - I just never could convince myself to buy one. Most of the equipments online would almost always cater to clitoris stimulation. Dildo in the digital Indian market wouldn't imagine the prostate. Sometimes I think I should have ordered a Dildo long time back, beginning of my 20s to be precise, just so I could be good at bottoming! Fucking took me ages to be able to take a dick inside properly! 

After repeated unfortunate physical encounters I finally decided to order one online. The Dildo came. I have not named it. LOL of course I have. I am not telling you the name.  I felt it between my fingers and strangely, felt like I was holding a dick for the first time in my life. I didn't feel the heat that generally radiates from a dick but I felt drawn to it. I had a nice shower and cleaned my ass just as I would before any fuck date or an evening where I anticipated sucking cock and getting my ass wrecked by an emotionally unavailable man. I applied a nice smelling body lotion around my dick and asshole just as I would on a day knowing that my body would be licked inch by inch by a hungry tongue. Only this time the D (Dildo) wasn't lathered up by my mouth but by a good old regular wash basin. I cleaned this D properly and laid on my bed to start. I'll be honest - I am all for self stimulation and finding creative ways to pleasure oneself (god knows lonely gays LIVE on masturbation) but I found it weird to 'start'. I don't really know what the start and end of sex is? It can go anywhere and nowhere right? Part of getting to know someone's body is the unpredictability right? So I didn't know HOW would I begin opening up my ass. Do I place the D upright on the bed and try squatting on it? Do I lie down with my legs in the air and push the D inside me with one hand? Do I hold it perpendicular to the wall and try taking it in? I didn't fucking know. Finally I decided to try taking it in with my legs in the air. I put lot of lotion on the D and started massaging my hole. My dick, it seemed, wasn't in the mood for it. And I wasn't surprised. My dick wasn't familiar with this new object. It was still figuring out its reaction! After feeling that my hole was beginning to relax and open up a bit I started shoving the D inside. It felt strange. It felt squishy. IT FELT GOOOOOOOOOD. I felt my nipples hardening. I felt the familiar dull inner thigh ache. I sensed my muscles inside resisting and inviting the D at the same time. My breathing automatically matched the movement of my muscles. I involuntarily moaned and my dick responded to the hardness of my nipples and the head of the dildo fully entering inside me. It was once I inserted the entire D inside me and pushed the button on it that I realized OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY DON"T OUR DICKS COME WITH INBUILT VIBRATION. You know that feeling when you enter your bed in harsh winters after taking a nice warm bath and use a warm bottle in between your legs while sleeping? (If you don't know this feeling then I am judging you and how on earth have you lived by not doing this!?). That warmth travels tickling up from your thighs to the base of your balls? This was that but only better. I think my body was shocked. My legs were shocked. My prostate was shocked. My orgasm was ecstatic. I couldn't believe that my prostate could be stimulated like that. This D My D has 22 modes of vibrations. The first one feels like listening to a calm ocean while sitting on a beach, the fifth one feels like sitting on a bumpy car ride when you tell your fellow car members 'ugh please drive properly' but deep inside you are saying 'fuck this kinda feels good', the tenth one feels like you could be in a porn movie and this rhythm would get the 'top' top awards and the twenty second one..... The fucking twenty second one felt like a place where I would NEVER let a man go inside me. It felt like a sexual fantasy in which only my clone knew how to enter because only I know my body that well. It felt like that crush (who in reality is a useless fuck) but in your dreams KNOWS his shit. It felt like an incident from mythology where the protagonist experiences other worldly connections through their dreams. It felt like....FUCK you get the idea. IT FELT FUCKING AMAZING. And for the second time in my life, I came without ever having to touch my dick. I know you are going to say 'oh what an inexperienced child! Sex toys are already at a revolutionary stage and he is still trying his first regular old dildo!' and I would tell you 'Fuck you' and also that you are right. Ugh. I admit that it has taken me a long time to get around this but one of the reasons I have been avoiding a dildo is because I rely too much on touch. It's not that pleasure for me has depended on touch but I had become accustomed to experiencing sex through bodies touching me. Even if not penetration then licking my nipples, or pulling my hair, or jamming fingers deep into my mouth, or choking me with cock..... Am I relying too much on emotional and physical intimacies to feel stimulated? 

I have somewhat physically settled into this new country but I am emotionally still making sense of it. Just to give you an update (amazing and kind strangers who push me to write here more frequently) - I recently shifted to U.S.A. for higher studies. Growing up in Jalandhar (Punjab) who had never really stepped out of that town (it's a sprawling city now! Before you ask, NO I am not telling you my age), as your every day desi gurl I always imagined America to be some mystic sexual la la land. Only to realize later in life how stupid I was to not have explored fragile Punjabi men sexually. I was too busy making sense of my own sexuality through my fantasies! If you have read my blog at all, it would be obvious that I tend to make sense of my surroundings mostly through desires and intimacies. But I have been living in fantasies since fucking forever! I have experienced sex through my dreams, fiction and imaginations! It's not like I have not experienced rejection before! My entire life has been about making sense of my queerness through lack of touch! So what is so different now? I feel like I am returning back to my high school self. Where falling in love with strangers was all I knew. And distance was the only way I knew closeness. I think I don't have as many insecurities as I did then but every fantasy now comes with a tinge of regret. Like there is something missing. More than what was missing back then. It is anger at the lack of figuring out my own patterns. That regret is fear of not able to get with the times of online apps. That regret is my inability to not being clear/direct and getting too lost in ambiguity. That regret is knowing that I should have learnt by now where to place my intimacies but still channeling it at the wrong places people. 

And while my D satisfied me in ways no man ever could I still wondered what would have happened if while getting out of the car when that d dropped me home that night, instead of saying goodnight I kissed him instead.  

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P.S. Here is the link to the D - https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07GZ9J7XD/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1